Avoiding Your Ex in Jersey Is Literally Impossible

ACCORDING TO 97% of islanders that have been in a relationship, avoiding your past lover cannot physically be done

Jersey’s relentless gossip mill and close-quarter living perimeters make avoiding ex-girlfriends and boyfriends incredibly difficult. Luckily, we were able to delve inside the mind of an islander that has recently experienced this situation first-hand.

“Avoiding your ex over here is like living through The Hunger Games films, except, it’s every day and you never fucking win.”

“It doesn’t matter how long it’s been either. I saw my ex from year 9 inside Mimosa a few weeks ago and for some reason, this shower of guilt and fear clouded over me. Does he remember that I cheated on him with that emo kid from Les Quennevais?”

“Shit. This is so bad. Girls, we’re off, fuck this I don’t need this Geordie Shore bullshit tonight.”

Gemma told us she had recently broken up with her boyfriend Paul because he didn’t understand what Beyoncé’s new album was meant to represent.

She went on to explain how every time she wants to go out with her friends, they have to meticulously plan ways on how not to see him. Which is actually far more difficult than it sounds.

“So, we want to go out tonight, but herein lies the problem. We can’t hit Mimosa because, well, he’ll be there. He’s always there with his dickhead friends. The Yacht is also out of bounds because once his sex-drive kicks in, he’ll bomb it here looking for women. Then that leaves Koko and I don’t fancy parenting 16-year-olds.”

Spending 3 hours in a club huddled within her ‘protective friend ball’ in the middle of the dance floor is not her ideal night, she admits.

“When it hits 2am, this is where it all goes tits up. I’ve spent all night avoiding him like a female Jason Bourne, only to be defeated once again by my massive (though impressive) intake of vodka-lemonade and my uncontrollable desire to eat food.”

Gemma reveals she sent her minions to get her food as she hid within the taxi queue, eagle-eyeing her ex. Though, admits she does sometimes regret her night-life of anonymity:

“Thing is, I do want to see him. I’ve lost tonnes of weight and I look amazing in this dress… I’mma’ text him, fuck it. Then I can live back my regrets through my Snapchat Story in bed the next morning.”

“With him next to me.”




Leave a Reply