Islanders Agree to Go Out Every Night Over Christmas Period

Islanders agree to slaughter their livers over Christmas

As Christmas fast approaches, the people of Jersey are frantically shelling out their trust funds on Amazon to buy gifts for people they don’t like, in order to conform to a religion they don’t believe in, so that they forget about their 9-5s for a few days and get absolutely white-girl wasted.

Fucking praise be to Jesus.

Like every year, we swanned through King Street to gain an insight into the on-goings of this year’s Christmas antics from random members of the public. Luckily, we were able to come across none other than Michael Spinner, who conveyed his thoughts to us:

“I believe Christmas is a disgusting marketing excuse for people to abuse the love of Christ.”

Before Michael was able to finish his joyous commentary, rogue islander Blake Dempsey flattened him with a shovel outside Topman:

“Christmas is fucking bangin’ and anyone that starts spouting hatred for it will be met with my appalling physical strength and insulting terms such as ‘munter’ and ‘dick-splash.'”

Dempsey’s love for Christmas is hard. However, he did claim that there is one major factor that confuses him every year:

“The only thing confusing about the Christmas period is when the fuck to go out. I mean, there’s just to much going on, insane levels of festivity. Like, when is the Christmas jumper night? When are the Christmas work parties? Are we going out on Christmas Eve? Is Boxing Day drinking day? I feel like a turkey just before it enters the oven – dead, naked and confused.”

“I’ve asked the boys what their plans are and they’ve just sort of said things like:

‘I’ve got a works party, but I’ll meet you out?’

“Brilliant idea mate, I’ll just drink alone till 11, then get a taxi into town and come meet you all? No, prick, I want a nice evening of pre-drinks where we can both wear matching Christmas jumpers and talk about Love Actually and my fascination with Hugh Grant.”

Dempsey was also left confused by statements such as ‘we’ll be going out on Saturday as well:’

“That’s all well and good saying that now, Dan but when you wake up on Saturday at 3pm in the middle of Gorey, you’re enthusiasm to ‘get on it’ will have almost completely run dry, much like a desert, or somewhere equally as dry, like a turkey-less oven.”

Dempsey also shed light on the Christmas Eve antics, addressing the big issue of whether to go out or not:

“Man this is a tough one. Oh wait no it isn’t, I’m staying in to watch Love Actually and Elf…but then again that ends at 9pm… so chances are, I will be in Mimosa, dressed as an Elf, getting with other elves.”

“Although, am I going to get shafted by the clubs? Are they going to stay open past 9pm? Jersey hates a late night, so everywhere will probably shut at 9pm. It’s just such a risk.”

Dempsey reveals that despite the irreparable damage his liver will go through, the fear of missing out will undoubtedly be more painful:

“I tell myself that I’m going to pace myself each night, so I can survive the next. I’ve got this work do on Friday, then I’ve got this Christmas jumper thing on Saturday, then it’s Christmas fucking eve, then it’s Christmas fucking Christmas, then it’s Boxing fucking Day, then it’s post-Boxing fucking Day Banter, then I panic for like 4 days in the sales, which is a hangover in itself and then its New Year’s Eve. The whole period is just fucking chaos and I honestly don’t know if I can do this shit anymore, I’m not a fresher, I’m a 25-year-old, emphasis on the old.”

Dempsey admits that while this year is going to be the best and most chaotic yet, he genuinely doesn’t know if he will survive the ordeal. He has however, claimed that unlike Jesus, Santa has got his back and is adamant that no fatal harm will come his way if he keeps on ‘believin.’

“Just have to stay strong for Santa, like Jesus did.”

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