THE CHELSEA MANAGER claims more giants are needed
Blake Dempsey Reporting:
After Chelsea’s 4-1 defeat to Watford, Conte’s reputation and future stance at the club has been left in doubt.
Questions were raised when his insistence on buying a striker with a similar skeletal structure to a mountain nearly led him to force Rickie Lambert out of retirement.
When asked about his questionable transfer targets, Conte claimed that he definitely wasn’t given a hat full of names of people over 6″4, and he definitely wasn’t asked to sign the first one he pulled out.
Conte put the defeat down to the fact that the majority of his players are under 5’5 and none of them resemble mountains or giants.
He was adamant that if he was able to sign Lee Cattermole or Joey Barton the result would have been different.
When asked whether the decision to send off Bakayoko was the right one, Conte simply responded by erratically clapping his hands and staring menacingly into the camera.
Conte acknowledges that changes need to be made for the next game against West Brom. Sources claim that he plans to use Willian and Hazard as centre backs and ‘throw the tall ones at the front.’
Conte was quoted:
“I want everyone who is tall at the far end of the pitch. We shall kick the ball to the tall ones. They will reach the ball first. Goals will come. Points points points.”
Conte also claimed that the day of the tall, strong centre back is over. The time for the small, fast centre-wing backs, has come.
Conte summed up his thought process in exuberant fashion:
“At the back, it is now pace pace pace, speed speed speed. Quick rabbits, quick quick quick, kick ball to the giant-men.”
Willian and Hazard are expected to make their centre-back debuts alongside Conte himself, who will just sprint around the penalty box, creating a vortex that will consume the souls of any attackers.
When asked about his future, Conte responded by drawing a picture of a seal, burning it, and then carving Andy Carroll’s name into his arm, before his medical staff stepped in.
Although we attempted to press Conte to answer more questions regarding his future, he was more focused on Googling if it was possible to apply the genetics of a giraffe to strikers.
Conte exited the interview chewing on a balloon.