Cows That Block Jersey Roads Know Exactly What They’re Doing

Experts confirm that cows know exactly what they’re doing when they block our roads during busy morning periods

Carl, a cow from somewhere in St Martin made light work of our investigatory tactics:

“Get out my field, punk.”

However, after searching through fields in Trinity, a cow – who does not want to be named – has allowed us an insight into the herd’s logic:

“Usually, we pick someone completely random when they’re on their way home from work, someone that looks as if they’ve had a genuinely terrible day. We monitor their directional habits and mood swings 5 days a week until we’re confident that we can cause an incredible amount of distress to their lives early on a Monday morning.”

“On said morning, we place a rogue cow a few miles down the road, these are the stray ones you’ll sometimes see, the ones that look utterly lost, they stare at you and think: “Fuck. I really shouldn’t be here, I don’t belong on tarmac.”

“This is to add immediate fear and ambiguity.”

“Then, once the rest of the herd is confident that the rogue cow has bought us some time, we call our Farm Master via Skype and just hauntingly moo into the webcam until he sprints from his cottage and allows us into his house for a spontaneous vegan breakfast.”

 

“Once Rogue One Cow has sacrificed his dignity and the driver has passively shunted him from the road like a contemporary Moses parting Trinity hill, we do our utmost to cross the road in the slowest and most infuriating way possible.”

“Clive is one of our standout performers. He is perfect, he’s the one that heroically walks bang into the dreaded white string that-so directs our fate. Why? Just to snidely glare at the ever-mounting traffic unfolding in front of him.”

“Once Clive has had his moment at the Oscars, he returns back into the crowd, as if nothing happened.”

The cow leader – who remains unnamed – claims that the reason they do this is out of sheer boredom.

“It brings genuine delight seeing a driver we have groomed for almost a week smile through their hardened jaw and wincing eyes as they snap their neck to beam ultimate sass-attitude towards our Farm Master.”

“The funny thing is, we’re actually incredibly fast. In fact, Clive was shortlisted for the Island Games last week, but ultimately lost out to someone more attractive who was wearing Nike Air Maxes.”

“Classic.”

 

Comments

comments

Leave a Reply