Gorey Fete Now Jersey’s Answer to Freshers Week

GOREY FETE might as well become Jersey’s pre-Freshers Week

Every year, Gorey Fete presents itself to prospective university students with its insane spaghetti death challenges, mile-of-ale drinking contests and fireworks that scare your dog.

While the fete has always aimed to connect with families and people who have an aggressively sincere desire to play Crown & Anchor, it now seems as if the fete is attempting to prepare Jersey students for university.

Blake Dempsey states that though the idea is strong, the execution is weak and he fears for this new breed of Jersey student:

“Back when I went to uni, MSN was still clinging onto the popular side of social media like Mufasa in the Lion King, I still had a slidey-phone with sick ring-tones and Zoella didn’t exist.”

“Now, all I see are these Jersey students dabbing their way into the likes of Newcastle, and Manchester, and they’re just so unaware that if you dab in the wrong part of Manchester, they will genuinely rip your fucking spine out.”

To counter such anxieties, Dempsey believes that the fete should start offering life coaching lessons on what to expect at university. Not in an educational sense, instead, a crash-course on the reality of university etiquette:

“Gorey Fete should offer a booth where you walk in and some geordie just gives you a stern talking to. Like a wake-up call, where he forces you to down a pint of Scrumpy Jack mixed with tar and fish oil and tells you that not everywhere in the north has a Waitrose in close proximity. His stall would be right at the end of the pier, where all the cool kids go to smoke cigarettes and kick bins.”

Dempsey went onto describe other potential booths for Gorey Fete:

“Let’s get rid of Naughty Monkeys, that’s had its time, but it keeps reappearing like Pitbull – fuck off back to 2008 pal. I believe we should replace it with ‘how to not be a cunt in halls’ and a crash course on ‘what nightclubs not to flash Mother’s Waitrose card in.'”

“Also, relationship counseling, Christ this is so fucking important. A Jersey student’s concept of a long-distance relationship is driving 20 minutes from Gorey to St Helier. I don’t think they understand that you can’t just drive to England and I also don’t think that they understand that people go out every night during first year, so say goodbye to your Skype calls and your midnight ‘I love you’ emoji sex wars.”

Dempsey does admit that he admires certain stalls and games already within the fete:

“I’m loving the spaghetti eating and the kilometre-of-ale challenges, these are vitally important for university. More of this is needed. Eating and drinking is the key to success and social superiority at university. Also, fighting is very important at university, lots of fighting, both physically and emotionally, because at some point, a Jersey student is going to accidentally mention that he owns more than one yacht.”

“People will not enjoy this.”

When Dempsey was asked about the benefits of careers fairs, he simply claimed that they only offer you a boring version of half the experience:

“I know for a fact that almost all schools on the island have these taster things at Highlands where you can ask all the relevant educational questions regarding university. But, the way I see it, careers fairs are like driving tests. Sure, you might pass your test and you’re accepted into uni, but you only really learn how to drive when you’re forced onto the M25 by a fuck-off truck in your Ford KA, and you only learn how to survive uni when you’re thrown into halls with some psycho called Devil and with his crates of Budweiser mixed in with some severe self-esteem issues.”

Dempsey claims that he will be pitching this idea to many schools, not just Gorey Fete:

“It’s the next logical step for Jersey students. They will honestly die if they continue pretending that St Clements is Hackney, and claiming they’re as ‘hard’ as a gang from the depths of urban London.”

“You aren’t Stormzy mate, you a bitch.”

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