FAMILIES ARE terrified of going to the Havre des Pas Drinking Festival in case their children suddenly become abusive alcoholics
Reports have recently emerged claiming that the organisers of the Havre des Pas Festival want to transform the festival into a more ‘family friendly’ asylum.
This is because many parents have complained that their children have been wondering off into the nearby pubs, starting bar fights, selling drugs, and lamenting about Brexit’s impact on the Jersey economy.
A bystander claimed that during the festival last year, she witnessed two children, no older than 6, downing pints of Guinness whilst hanging upside down from the Havre des Pas bridge. Overlord Alan has claimed that the festival’s focus on drinking needs to be addressed:
“These alcoholic children need to be purged, otherwise, it’ll be like Planet Of The Apes all over again, and our beautiful island will be overrun by tiny alcoholic children playing Pokemon Go.”
The irony is that by removing alcohol to make the festival more ‘family friendly’, the organisers are in effect, making it unbearable for families to bring their children.
Blake Dempsey is a Father of 36 children, and he has some strong views on the Havre des Pas revamp:
“Yeah, great idea, I love the thought of bringing my 36 children to a festival in the blistering heat, as I aggressively waddle through hundreds of melting British corpses, in order to find a seat in the sun; a reality as physically present as a fucking mirage.”
“It’s okay though, because once I dump my kids in the bouncy castle bit, I can chill on the beach with my Naughty Monkey’s skittle milkshake. I love the relaxing high I get off the e-numbers.”
“Said no one, ever.”
It is clear the islanders remember many of the shocking events the Havre des Pas Festival has endured over the years, hence the reason for this proposed transformation.
Take the event in 2015 for example, when a chair fell over after someone holding a pint of Carling stood up too quickly. Swiftly after this tragic event, came 2016’s darkest day, where a man spilt some beer on the sand, and the tide didn’t wash it away until around 7pm. One can only imagine the horror that 2017 brings, maybe we’ll see a child drop an ice-cream that will symbolically represent the rise of alcoholism on the island.
Sources close to the powers-at-be have additionally claimed that if alcohol vendors want to set up a stall, they must first pay a fee of roughly £30k, followed by the sacrifice of a lamb. Then, in order to actually sell alcohol, they must also include the following in their service: food, water, Adam Sandler films and the blood of Christ.
Only then will they morally be able to sell alcohol.
After the death of Jersey Live, it appears the Havre des Pas Festival wants to jump on the bandwagon of disappointment, as they hold hands and joyfully skip into the depths of depravity.
Who knows what mad scheme the Overlords of Jersey will propose next, some sources claim that they’re looking to employ people to pop the balloons of children on their birthdays.
Some islanders however, are looking forward to the change, claiming that the ‘family friendly’ transformation will have an amazing impact on the festival. Dempsey was at hand yet again to divulge his expert opinion:
“You can take the Havre out of the de Pas but- you can’t take the faux pas out of the Havre…
“I don’t know what I’m saying, I’ve been pissed since last year’s festival.”