Islander Masquerading as Upper-middle Class Finance Person on LinkedIn is Actually an Absolute Scumbag

Based on true events

As of late, Blake Dempsey has come to realise that 90% of his friends on LinkedIn are masquerading as ‘professionals’, when the reality, is in fact, quite the opposite.

We were able to grab a quick chat with the island’s best-loved philanthropist and sexologist for his thoughts on the matter:

“I’m fed up with LinkedIn. I was forced to create an account for work and now every time I open it, I’m swarmed by my apparent ‘friends’ posting, sharing and commenting the most ridiculous shit.”

Blake continued, stating that people on LinkedIn are very different to how they are in person:

“I recently witnessed my mate Ben share the most abhorrent article, and I only read the title. It was something to do with private equity, something I know nothing about, but I know it’s tedious shit.”

“And I’m just like, Ben, mate, I’ve seen you neck shots of Tequila through your fucking eyeballs while strapped upside-down naked to a lamppost in Amsterdam – why are you sharing an article on Japanese equity bonds and claiming it’s ‘an exceptional read?'”

“Who the fuck do you think you are?”

Blake continued, putting his friend Jay in the firing line:

“Jay, you send us videos of middle-aged men being shagged by horses every morning on Whatsapp, and you’re commenting: ‘Fantastic presentation Marcus, so glad I could attend the Jersey KYJ69 Private Equity presentation, what a thrilling experience!’ On some bloke’s picture.”

“Seriously, there’s more lying about who you are on LinkedIn than there is on Tinder.”

Blake continued to make ludicrous comparisons to the app, Tinder:

“It’s worse than Tinder, it’s so much fucking worse because instead of dick pics, it’s those fucking ‘endorsements’ that are shoved down everyone’s throats:

“Hey, Ben, could you endorse me on my private equity skill set?”

“Sure, if you repay the favour… 😉 ” #letsbangonthephotocopier

“I mean, if that’s not straight up sexual intercourse in the virtual world, I don’t know what is.”

Dempsey continued his utterly pointless rage, taking to people’s LinkedIn profile pictures:

“Everyone, everyone has these incredibly smug black and white LinkedIn profile pictures, and they’re all smirking at the camera like a corporate Jimmy Savile.”

“And why the fuck are some people crossing their arms in these pictures?! When have you ever gone to pose for a picture and thought, ‘you know what would make me look even more exceptional, is if I crossed my fucking arms, tilted my head, and smirked like a psychopath’.

“All of you, yes, including you, Mum, look borderline psychotic.”


[my mother is a saint]


Blake stated that one of his closest friends claimed he didn’t have LinkedIn, but then, he found out he did. So, Blake decided to highlight his friend’s true persona:

“So, my friend Dan, (known to his close friends as ‘sex-pig Dan’), shared this out of focus photo of these two middle-aged blokes in ill-fitting suits, with the caption ‘great to see Mr Iownabank and Mr Iownagiantyacht at the Big Bank Party at St Bankworld, London, Bank Street’ and frankly, I’d had enough of his facade on LinkedIn”.

So, I commented:

“Great post ‘Daniel’, say, when’s a good time to bring all that heroin round to your house to sell to those orphans?”

“Unfortunately, my comment was swiftly deleted. So, I went to his endorsement section, and I suggested the ‘how to be a lying scumbag that watches wizard porn’ endorsement. I’ve yet to receive confirmation for my suggestion”.

Blake then took aim at the kind, hard-working, middle-aged people on LinkedIn:

“And then you’ve got all these baby boomers who fucking love LinkedIn. I mean seriously, they adore this platform.”

“See, they get confused on apps like Facebook, because there’s too much going on. They get startled and upload 30 holiday selfies of themselves thinking that’s an acceptable thing to do on social media.”

“With LinkedIn, however, it’s just BUSINESS BUSINESS BUSINESS LOOK WHAT I’VE DONE IN LIFE I AM SUCCESS LOOK AT MY TIE PRIVATE EQUITY PRIVATE EQUITY PRIVATE EQUITY.”

“These are the same baby boomers that are sitting on 6-figure salaries but can’t open a fucking PDF.

We then told Blake to calm the fuck down because this really isn’t a big issue and slapped him a few times to force him back down to Earth. Despite this, he then went into detail how he’s made it his personal aim to exploit those who prance around LinkedIn donning this sickening business facade:

“They know I’m following them on LinkedIn, they know I’m a prick, and they know I’m going to exploit them at any given opportunity.”

“I just want people to be themselves, stop sharing articles on private equity (this is the only investment term I know) and instead, share articles about what type of bread they are.”

Blake claims he’s still trying to reason with his friend Ben, explaining that he doesn’t have to continue this facade on LinkedIn. However, he is yet to crack the apparently impenetrable LinkedIn skin:

“Even after my stern words and borderline harassment on social media, he acts like this big-time finance guru, like finance is his number one passion, his partner, his sex life, everything.”

“The thing is, Ben, I know what you did to that horse in Amsterdam.”

“And I’m going to tell everyone on LinkedIn.”

“Endorse that, bitch.”

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