Jersey Contestant to Join Love Island Scumbags in July

Jersey have selected a suitable candidate to enter the Love Island Villa

In a similar fashion to the Hunger Games, Jersey has elected their best warrior to enter the Love Island villa sometime in July.

The islander has opted to remain anonymous but did agree to give an insight to what islanders can expect when he enters what he has described as ‘the battle arena.

“This is what I’ve always wanted. I’ve made it Mum, I’m going to be on Love Island.”

Islander X gave us a brief insight into what audiences can expect from his performance:

“I aim to go onto the show and offer nothing. No comedy, no sexual prowess, just this average, medium-grey dullness. They won’t know what’s hit them.”

Islander X claims that he has multiple tricks up his sleeve to unnerve and generally spoil the atmosphere of the villa:

“First day I arrive, I’m going to walk in wearing Victorian attire, reading the works of Shakespeare and Jane Austen. They’ll all wave and say things like ‘hey hun, hey darling, ooh aah chica!’ and I’ll just walk straight into the pool, fully clothed and begin intensely reading. I will do this for 5 days.”

“Once they have accepted that I’m part of the furniture, I shall start the process of psychologically torturing the few I have issues with. Others, I will ignore altogether.”

Islander X has given a brief summary of the characters – yes, characters, they’re not real – he’s most intrigued by:


“The issue with Hayley is that it’s too easy to mock her, like Trump. Everyone had fun pointing and laughing at him in the beginning, but now we’ve all got bored and have just accepted that we now have to live with his bullshit for at least a couple more years.”

“As already evidenced by Eeyore, she has a fantastic aptitude for remembering things, specifically how many brothers or sisters another human has.”

“Well, look out bitch, I’m from Jersey and I have 73 relatives. Time to test your cognitive ability.”


“Eeyore the type of motherfucka that’s decided he’s going to be spiritual and shit because it requires close to 0 intelligence and he can say pretty much anything and claim it has some sort of higher meaning. He comes out with shit like:

“Man, bro, listen, everyone is like… my kitchen wall. Like, my kitchen has all this stuff in it, but the wall is empty and just watches over stuff, like God or something. Then one day, someone special will come into my kitchen and be like ‘wow, what a nice wall, so naked, so pure, so innocent’ and she’ll paint it with the ketchup brush of truth and spirituality. Because deep down, we’re all kitchen walls, and we’re just waiting for that special someone to paint over the cracks caused by our own experiences. We will blossom and evolve from a wall to a canvas bursting with the experiences of life…”

“And I’m just sitting here like, fuck off Eeyore, go back to the 100 Acre Wood.”

Doctor Bloke

“Why has no one rinsed this man of his medical background? They’re too busy talking about how he’s the perfect friendzone candidate to realise that they could be receiving free medical advice.

“I personally have a tonne of STIs and other questionable illnesses I’d like to have checked out.”

“Seems like a genuine bloke as well, I mean he simply does not belong in this twisted social atmosphere, and he can’t flirt his way out of a paper bag, but maybe someone with an equal amount of sexual prowess will find that endearing.”

“Or, maybe he’ll die alone. Exciting times.”


“Fantastic metaphor regarding the Rainbow Fish, put Eeyore’s spirituality complex to shame with one metaphor.”

Bloke Who Simply Isn’t 22

“You aren’t 22 mate. You’re fooling no one. Also, I hear you’re a bit of a cunt.”


“Got a bollocking from the Mrs the other day for doing something that every person in their right mind would do in his situation. Seems like a decent lad as well.”


“Claims she has dated every celebrity under the sun. Well, she hasn’t dated me, which tells me she’s a liar, which tells me she can’t be trusted, which tells me I’m going to fall in love with her.”

We then asked Islander X a few questions, mainly his thoughts on:

Qualifying to get into the villa:

“What I want to know is why aren’t there any ugly or severely overweight people in the villa? It’s 2018, isn’t everyone supposed to be seen as attractive?”

“Also, why can’t we throw in someone truly horrible? Not the typical Essex ‘I cheated on my girlfriend and I don’t understand politics’ horrible, someone genuinely hateful. A true prick, like a paedophile, or someone who doesn’t like dogs.”

On the text challenges:

“I’d like to bring in my own phone and start texting them new challenges. None of this ‘haha yes hun, what a sexy challenge, let’s 69 and throw paint at each other while doing yoga’no, this is tame.”

“Instead, my challenges will revolve around survival.

First Challenge: Invite a lion into the villa without informing anyone. Then, when they all begin to panic, they shall receive a text:

‘Destroy the lion, rebuild your pride’

#lionking #drinkitsblood

“Once the victor has been announced, the villa will have a day to hunt for food and recover until the next challenge.”

“The concept is simple, every weekday, housemates would be presented with a fresh challenge revolving around survival, and I mean survival, in the sense that your life is genuinely at risk every day.”

“It would be simple quirks, things like hiding a manta ray in the pool, a shark in the hot tub, poison in the alcohol, a UKIP supporter in the living room, you know, mad shit.”

“Oh, and they’d have a pub quiz at the weekend to finish, I’m not a monster.”

Finally, on the prospect of getting voted or kicked off the show:

“The twist that no one knows is that I actually own Love Island, I own the land. So, if I am voted out, I’ll just resume my responsibility as a landlord with the added text challenge or two. Like the SAW films:

‘Pay your rent, or you’re in a tent’

#doyouwanttoplayagame #dempsey4president