Jersey Ban Vegans From Entering The Island

JERSEY VEGANS are powerful demi-gods and should be expunged, sources claim

Overlord Alan, despite being on the road to recovery from his Madness crisis, has come out with this rogue claim:

“Vegans keep drawing on the floor of my island, like a spoilt child who’s downed 2 litres of lemonade and been given psycho crayons.”

Alan believes that this could jeopardize the island’s integrity, envisioning that one day, the entire island will replicate a Banksy painting, but more colourful and full of happy cows.

We caught Blake Dempsey aggressively drawing a cow with a smile that was too smiley, we pulled him over for a quick chat:

“We need to start treating cows like cars. We need to look after them, get them serviced, keep them in a garage if you want, but don’t fucking eat them.”

Despite Dempsey and the other islander’s intentions being genuinely pure, noninvasive and ultimately improving general food sustainability, Alan remains furious:

“It is a well-known fact that chalk burns holes in the ground, and do you know what’s below us? Hong Kong, and do you know what they did? They stole our cows.”

Alan also fears that the cows may in fact try and take-over civilization as we know it:

“What’s next, cows eating us? Didn’t think of that, did you vegans?”

Overlord Alan seeks to place a ban on vegans entering the island as soon as he’s released from the General Hospital. His first proposal will be to place a giant physical bubble around Jersey:

“You’ve seen The Simpsons Movie, right? It’s clear that walls don’t work, plus, vegans could parachute in like military cows, sniper cows, SWAT cows, the horror would be endless.”

Alan states that phase two would be to deny vegans access to plants, vegetables, fruit and generally ban them from any grassy areas. He fears the vegans will wipe-out our grasslands:

“I can see the horror now. Vegans, mowing the lawn with their poisonous green teeth, like underfed battery-powered guinea-pigs. Millennium Park would become a wasteland in a matter of minutes.”

“They’d lap up the waterfall thing like radioactive dogs, and remove all the salad stuff from the lunch-time employee’s lunchboxes. Then they’d raid the market and throw watermelons at everyone.”

Alan believes that if this were to happen, a battle plan must be organised, which he has began working on:

“It is a well-known fact that vegans are highly allergic to meat. So, I urge all residents to barricade their shops, homes and other properties in Waitrose ham. Then, we shall draw messages on the pavement in red crayon (to symbolise blood, anger and Elmo), this will be sure to fend them off.”

Islanders hope that Overlord Alan’s crippling condition is to blame for this outbreak of Madness. He has however, stated that he plans to invite Madness to Big Gig in the Park:

“I literally couldn’t give a flying fuck which X-Factor peasant is headlining Big Gig. I will air-drop Madness onto that stage in exactly the same fashion Zeus slugged that racist dinosaur asteroid at Earth.”

“If I can take-out Olly Murs too, that’s an added bonus.”



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