JERSEY WOULD like to remind the world nations that they won an alcohol ‘award’ back in 2015
For many islanders, the overbearing shadow of dry January has finally dissipated and the glorious alcohol-powered sunlight now gracefully beams down upon the rejuvenated, fresh-faced islanders. Blake Dempsey summarised the islander’s re-birth in exuberant fashion:
“Let’s get annihilated.”
With Trump and Putin swiftly taking over the media, Jersey would like to remind everyone that we’re still here, and we’ll drink anyone under the table.
After we’d removed the can of Carling from Dempsey’s claws and stopped him aggressively dancing to the Rivoli Clock music, we were able to catch his reflections:
“I reckon we go for broke. Tourism is falling through our hands like a monkey who’s carrying too many grapes.”
“I propose we challenge Russia to a drinking contest. With the combined might of the three powerhouse clubs of St Helier, we stand a good chance of overthrowing the most powerful country in Europe. We were ranked amongst the highest in Europe for pre-drinks back in 2015, and Russia must be made aware of this, regardless of the fact they don’t know what a Jersey is.”
Dempsey believes that islanders don’t even need to step-up their consumption game due to the relentless pressure that their employers force upon their backs day-in, day-out. Alcohol is their only genuine form of redemption and remuneration, and Dempsey seeks to take advantage of this:
“A week of fund administration is more than enough to prep me for consuming 7 times my body-weight in vodka.”
“If Barbara comes at me with anymore hedge fund reports, I’ll drink Mimosa dry, then The Yacht, then Koko, then I’ll push on to her wine cellar, and once I’ve consumed every last drop of wine like the massive alcoholic locust that I am, I’ll leave a negative review of her cellar on that Jersey Facebook page many people don’t know how to use properly.”
Dempsey has also taken it upon himself to devise a plan to get Russia to accept the challenge:
“I’m going to stand on the top of The Yacht and blow one of those massive horns you see on Game Of Thrones, if this doesn’t ring Russia’s alarm bells, I’ll just tag them in mad Brelades pics on Instagram. That’ll be sure to attract Russia, just like how Kelis’ milkshakes brought all the boys to the yard.”
Dempsey envisions the duel taking place in the middle of King Street, where a massive knight-esq banquet table would stretch across the entire street. Russia would select their ten best drinkers, and Dempsey would summon the boys from last Saturday’s pre-drinks to commence battle.
“This will become world news. Beyoncé having twins isn’t news. Jersey and Russia barbarically slugging pints to each other across a 1 mile knight’s table covering the entirety of King Street, however, is news.”
Dempsey is confident that his idea will raise tourism numbers exponentially. He plans to pitch the full idea to the Government during his lunch break and is confident he’ll receive the necessary resources.
“Our island may be small, but so was Dopey from Snow White, and in the end, I’m pretty sure he pulled her.”