Jersey Minister Seeks to Ban Valentine’s Day

OVERLORD ALAN has declared that Jersey will not be having Valentine’s Day, according to reports

After recently being discharged from the General Hospital, Overlord Alan has declared that Valentine’s Day is ‘legit cancelled’ and has specifically stated that absolutely no selfies will be taken at the following locations:

  • St Ouen (due to the sunset and glasses of Prosseco – El Tico has also been temporarily destroyed)
  • Gorey (for those that still have the audacity to travel, or even live there)
  • St Brelade (including St Aubin and the other mini fake parishes inside it)
  • St Helier (everything is closed except JD)
  • Trinity & St John (coastline selfies)
  • St Martin (specifically St Martin’s mate, Rozel)
  • St Lawrence (basically St Martins)

Selfie-safe Zones:

  • Guernsey, and a bit of St Peter.
  • (No one is stupid enough to go to St Mary)

Overlord Alan has also devised a cunning plan for any who attempt to undermine his authority:

“Everyone who is currently in a ‘relationship’ must effectively end their relationship when the clock strikes midnight on February 13th. Anyone that is seen to be holding hands will be punished and banned from all pretentious restaurants and MoonPig for 6 years. Children may hold hands with their respective parents, though we shall be monitoring this ‘attachment’ due to our concern regarding Freudian conspiracies.”

Many islanders however, have banded together in order to rebel against Overlord Alan’s fascist regime. Blake Dempsey was found holding a sign with important words on it outside Royal Square:

“I stand here, in the name of love. I have been with my respective partner – who I cannot name for legal reasons – for quite some time, and I am ashamed and appalled at how our beloved Overlord is treating the concept of love. I had planned to take Valentine’s Day off in order to prepare myself for the amount of selfies I’d have been taking with the love of my life. I had even pre-ordered 9 portable charger blocks so that if Snapchat decided to do its usual bullshit routine of shutting down my phone when it’s on 58%, I’d be able to swiftly counter it with one of my 9 battery blocks.”

“Yeah, fuck you Snapchat, defenseless against the power of love and 9 nuclear-powered portable battery blocks, aren’t you?”

Alan has also declared that Instagram is banned for the day and anyone caught using will be sentenced to death. Similarly, if anyone’s anniversary falls on Valentine’s Day, they’re getting put in the old-school Tudor stocks bang in the middle of Royal Square and islanders will have the opportunity to log onto the victim’s Facebook and write sarcastic statuses about their love life. However, strict guidelines will be enforced due to political correctness.

Other reports claim that Overlord Alan has consequently replaced the Toad at Charing Cross with the Devil from Devil’s Hole in order to ward off love icons such as Cupid and Ryan Gosling.

Overlord Alan will also be patrolling King Street, wielding the Devil’s trident, accompanied by the Jersey Storm Troopers. Hallmark, Thorntons, Anne Summers and any shops selling cards and flowers will be infiltrated and torn to shreds via the unrelenting trident of Overlord Alan.

Dempsey has responded by forming a rebel alliance to take down Alan:

“I have banded together a large number of couples who seek to rebel against Alan’s rule. Our plan of attack is comprised of firing Thorntons chocolates from one of the cannons we’ve pinched from Gorey, whilst live-streaming it on Facebook. It’s up to the people of Jersey to then spam the shit out of the video by hitting the ‘love’ like button thing as many times as possible during the video.”

“Also, if anyone’s interested, I’ve been swiping right on Tinder for a month leading up to this day.”

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