Jersey Odeon Just Wants a Friend

NOT EVEN Richard Branson or Alan Sugar know how to revive the zombified husk of the Jersey Odeon

Next week will mark the 260 millionth year anniversary of not knowing what the fuck to do with the Odeon.

Blake Dempsey walks past the massive complex every day to get to work and he’s still mystified as to why no one has thought of a decent idea.

“So much potential, wasted. I thought it was supposed to be some sort of ‘freedom thing’, but I guess since Trump is now sitting on the face of America and with Britain deciding to leave the EU party early like some drunk, moody panda, freedom has sort of lost its definition.”

“I reckon if it does get demolished, a great idea would be to replace it with a minefield of speed bumps leading up to an incredibly dangerous car park. We simply do not have enough of those.”

Blake’s other theory is that the government and the Illuminati are hiding something important in there, like pre-determined GCSE results or the deeds to re-open Liquid.

“I actually reckon the Odeon is still open but they’ve moved the entrance to round the back and haven’t told anyone. No one ever goes around the back though, unless they lose a football or are curious to know what the edge of the world looks like.

“Alternatively, it could be sort of like that secret bar in Chambers, but more complicated. Instead of placing a gargantuan-sized man in front of the door, which obviously nails the ‘secret’ concept, Odeon asks you sacrifice a kitten and pay homage to the toad at Charing Cross.

A wise old man then allows you in and forces you to watch films from 2004 like Cheaper by The Dozen, and then holds you at knife point until you admit how much you love Adam Sandler.”

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