Man Provides ‘Disturbingly Accurate’ Guide to Jersey’s 12 Parishes

A MAN has dedicated the last 25 years of his life to analysing Jersey’s parishes

Despite Blake Dempsey eventually admitting that his 25 year experiment was ‘sort of pointless’ and ‘ate into his FIFA Career Mode’ ambitions, he does hope to give islanders a clearer outlook on what these parishes truly represent.

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1. Grouville

“Basically Gorey’s bitch.”

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2. St Ouen

“Has a fairly decent road for me to thrust my Ford KA into fifth gear and pull-off some mad handbrake turns in the Splash car park. Other than that, it’s just long. Actually, the beach is alright, and I’ve got a few likes on Instagram for the sunsets.”

“It’s also very windy, but that’s good for the surfing I don’t do.”

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3. St Clement

“Sort of like the parish-equivalent to Hackney or Peckham, (I’m actually dropping a grime album in Le Squez this summer).”

“But yeah, there are some ‘badman’ places in St Clement. I remember kicking a footy over the big fence in FB Fields back in 2009, and had to go round and talk to the older people, who refused to give my ball back.”

“Thought they were twats at the time, but now I realise I would have done exactly the same thing.”

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4. St Martin

“Yeah, decent 7/10 parish. No complaints here.”

“It’s just sort of, there. You acknowledge it, and move on, like that guy you’re mates with at the gym. Give them the nod, get out and move on.”

“It also has that Gorey Fete every year, where all the alcoholic children spring from their GCSE tombs and pretend they’re Crown & Anchor experts.”

“Until I take all their money.”

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5. St Lawrence

“Pretty much just a long road that leads to slightly more interesting areas.”

“You might as well be living on the M25.”

 

6. St Saviour

“I regularly forget it exists.”

“There’s nothing wrong with it, it just sort of gets pushed out the way by its cooler more successful brother, St Martin, ‘kinda like Liam Hemsworth and his much cooler and more successful brother, Thor.”

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7. Trinity

“They get to say ‘we live up North’ which sort of suggests they live a similar lifestyle to John Snow.”

“It has some cliffs, it was really helpful for Jersey Live pre-drinks, buses don’t go up there, and no one really knows their way around, not even the people that live there.”

 

8. St John

“Slightly cooler than Trinity, but no one knows why.”

“Has a football pitch with more danger hazards than Chernobyl. Always takes the piss out of St Mary due to the fact their village is actually a village.”

“Also has a decent playground. Swings could be improved.”

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9. St Mary

“On par with Gorey’s little section in St Martin.”

“Except the only redeeming feature Gorey has is that it hasn’t pointlessly added speed-bumps everywhere, and a £300k cobbled circle that is as pleasing to drive over as a box of kittens.”

“Throwing down some speed-bumps doesn’t make St Mary a village. It’d actually be quicker for me to drive to Grev de Lecq, build a kayak, and paddle round to St Ouen.”

 

10. St Peter

“Sort of weird this one.”

“It has a sort of, valley? Does that make it decent? To be fair I’ve had a few pubs accept me for coach parties in the past, guess that makes it alright.”

“Helpful for leaving the island, with its airport.”

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11. St Brelade

“Instagram central, this is where I let the swans loose (the swans being my fucking massive guns).”

“It’s not even a beach anymore, it’s a catwalk. I actually spend more time looking for ‘the perfect spot’ (which, by the way, simply does not exist) rather than enjoying the sun.”

“I won’t go pier jumping either, I’m not Bear Grylls, I don’t do that shit.”

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12. St Helier

“Basically our strip.”

“Except, instead of bars and people from Chelsea handing out shots of Sambuca, we just have loads of nice shops.”

“Mimosa, The Yacht and Koko/Kasbar also rival Ibiza’s nightlife prowess.”

“In fact, the nightlife is so fucking loose that our clubs have to shut at 2am to stop islanders from setting everything on fire, and beating the Mimosa bouncers with their trainers they weren’t allowed in with.”


Dempsey has admitted that he now plans to live-out the rest of his life in Sark, away from the constrictions of the parishes.

Until he has to come back for literally anything.

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