THE SEAGULLS of Jersey have reigned terror for too long, it has been decided
Blake Dempsey of the Damn Important Jersey Things Department has, quite frankly, had enough of these monsters.
“For decades we have lived in fear of these manic gulls, not a day goes by where I do not fear to eat at an outside establishment between the hours of 12pm-3pm.”
“Too long have I hid under my desk as I watch the relentless gulls decimate the lunch-hour lives of my people. They hover over King Street like weaponised attack drones, awaiting the opportunity to relinquish someone of their ludicrously priced baguette.”
Dempsey seeks to utilise the gull’s natural flying ability and their ‘don’t give a shit’ attitude to better aid the residents of Jersey. He admits that his vision is futuristic, but one that is not out of reach, name-dropping the new Amazon Drone as a point of reference.
One idea focuses on implanting microchips into the seagull’s brain, which in turn will allow us to programme the birds to do our bidding.
“Picture it, you’re walking home one night from a colossal night at Koko, you go to pay for your food and realise you’ve forgotten your pin number because you destroyed your brain after that £68 round of Sambuca. You contact the gull via our app, and it drops you a philosophical note –
‘Don’t waste ‘yo money, Carl.’
“We could even use them to pick up children from school. They’re actually quite big when you look at them. Their muscular frame is perfect for the transportation of children. Obviously, if your child is of the ‘large variety’ we would send for a more hench gull.”
Dempsey admits there are concerns over his vision for a better island, however. Such fears include the gulls forcing their victims to watch Geordie Shore on repeat and gluing Lego pieces to Megablocks in an attempt to make an authentic structure.
“There is always the risk of the gulls going awol and this has been addressed in our most recent meeting.”
Tony from downstairs envisioned a rogue gull tearing off stamps from letters and then posting them.
“It’s not even worth thinking about.”
The idea is still in its adolescence, but talks are ongoing and the future looks bright for Jersey.
“I think J-Gull has a nice ring to it, it sounds like a sports drink. Non-threatening on the surface but there’s lurking sense that one day, it might kill you.”