Blake Dempsey would just like to publicly apologise for his lack of communication with the outside world
As many may already be aware, Blake Dempsey has been absent for almost three months, leading concerned citizens to believe he was in fact, dead.
However, islanders may be pleased or infuriated to learn that Blake is alive and well, and recently gave this statement to justify his absence:
“Hello, dear friends, liars and sociopaths. Apologies for my absence, I was forced to take sabbatical when I attempted to offer my CEO a gram of cocaine at my office Christmas party, after misunderstanding she in fact, wanted a selfie on ‘the gram’, commonly referred to as Instagram”.
“Nevertheless, apologies once again. You can rest assured that I have vials of literary poison just waiting to be smashed into the unsuspecting faces of middle class islanders, whether they like it or not”.
“Naturally, something’s already pissed me off to the core, and it comes in the shape of islanders’ January resolutions, specifically three of them”.
“I have named them below, and I’m going to bitch and whine about them now”.
“Starting with the ever-obvious and totally fucking mental:
“Let me define dry January for those who are illiterate and/or live in a cave:
“Dry January is the month where one banishes the consumption of alcohol in a vague attempt to achieve a form of self-betterment, which consequently and ironically, leads one to consume the alcohol they had abstained from in January, in February”.
“As my dedicated followers will already know, I’ve already written about the perils of dry January twice, so they’ll know my thoughts on the concept”.
“To summarise: January sucks, why would you punish yourself immediately after Christmas? Who the Christ thought this was a morally-uplifting and self-bettering concept? People like my friend, Robert, do. He argued:
“I’m doing dry January to challenge myself and start the year anew, revitalised with a fresh perspective on what joys life will lay before me”.
“Fuck off, Robert”.
“You’re coming out with us on Friday to drink away your penniless bank account and mourn over your shit fantasy football form”.
“It’s people like Robert that make going out for drinks some sort of moral monopoly game. If I’m buying a round after Christmas, that is ultimate chivalry, and if you dare have the audacity to reject my offering, I will ram a funnel down your ungrateful throat and drown you with vodka soda lime”.
“You’re not moral, you’re not healthy; you are pathetic, and you’re conforming to some bullshit societal construct created by the weak to lower the moral of the strong, all for the illusory benefit of achieving ‘self-betterment'”.
“And don’t even get me started on Lent”.
2. Veganuary (Vegan January)
“Before everyone starts kicking bins saying ‘oh look, another pig-eater mercilessly hacking down pig trees with his scythe of carnivorous injustice’, I’m actually directing this one at the part-time January vegans”.
“As you all know, I love change, and as you all know, I’m a disgusting, cynical and somewhat tyrannical liar”.
“I’m also a rapper”.
“Now, I’m a big fan of eating plants to save the pigs. Why? Because I was raised by pigs, they hold a special place in my giant, aortic, pig-pumping heart”.
“My point is that eating plants is easy, they’re everywhere, it’s not a fucking achievement and it does not warrant a 50 snippet story on Instagram“.
“Yes, I’m addressing those who are aggressively @’ing places like Moo and Locke’s hoping for some desperate mention, retweet or cuddle”.
“Let me explain the process of buying vegan food for those who can’t quite grasp the simplicity of the task:
- Use your legs to navigate your narcissistic lump of flesh to your chosen salad sanctuary
- Remove your money sack from your REISS jacket
- Pay by flapping your card on the machine like a stressed-to-fuck pigeon
- Politely ask the staff if you can place your phone in one of their blenders
- Exit the shop and enjoy your lunch without using a Rise or Amaro filter on Instagram.
“Also, veganuary doesn’t suddenly disappear when you’re eight vodka-soda limes down”.
“I’ve witnessed people outside Burger Palace asking questions like:
‘that bacon cheeseburger, yeah, does that come in vegan?’
“Yes mate, it’s called the bun”.
3. I Will Lose Weight this Year (But Only in January)
“Because all the preceding years have, in essence, not been their year. Alas, however, because it is this year where they shall shed their pig-skin and transform into a beautiful butterfly-pig that shall frolic upon The Yacht dancefloor like a gleeful sheeplet”.
“I’m going to share something very personal with you all now, something I’m extremely proud of:
“This is a picture of a 3.38km run I did”.
“Know what this shows?”
“That I am a fucking athlete”.
“Anyone watch David Attenborough’s Dynasties? You know that episode with the fast tigers?”
“I’m basically one of those tigers, specifically, the fastest tiger”.
“Everyone needs to know how disgustingly rapid I am, so that if they’re ever stupid enough to cross me, I will hunt them down like a rabid badger and bludgeon their dreams, like them giants in The BFG”.
“…But of course, there’s a twist”.
“If you hadn’t already noticed, this is a bang average running time and distance, in fact, this was actually my timed lap around Waitrose during my weekly shop”.
“Now, my eagle-eyed readers will probably claim my screenshot looks like a standard running route, however, you are clearly unaware of Hove’s Waitrose layout. All you need to know is, it’s fucking massive”.
“My point? Stop posting horrendous running times on social media for an ounce of approval. Either get faster or don’t post it. I don’t want to see anymore running times unless you’re running 10k at 3km per minute”.
Dempsey claims that his new years resolution is to personally negotiate a trade deal with the EU:
“Why do something for a month, and why make that month January? I’m stripping January of it’s ‘self-betterment’ title and handing it to my favourite month, April, the name of my favourite pop-punk singer, April Lavigne”.
“In April, I aim to enter the government house place and challenge each member of the Tory party to a game of giant Connect 4 (because are we fuck getting anything sorted before April). When I defeat each member of the party, I’ll move onto the shadow cabinet, because they sound like a boss battle, and I relish such challenges”.
“Once they have been mercilessly hacked down by exceptional Connect 4 mastery, I will challenge Theresa May for her position as negotiations overlord, and when I win, I shall do so in style, using her sanded-down skull as the the winning disc to complete the ultimate Connect 4″.
“Then, I’ll apologise to Europe, offer them a cheeseboard, and we’ll act like nothing in 2016 happened”.
“That’s my dry January, Jersey”.