Jersey to Open Nightclub Purely Dedicated to Finance

THE GOVERNMENT has unveiled a plan to increase nightlife tourism by opening a club solely focused around finance

This incredible plan was forged inside the mind of Overlord Alan, after successfully erecting a massive statue dedicated to fund administration which now sits at the centre of St Ouens to remind people that no matter how far you run from St Helier, work is always watching.

Always.

Overlord Alan allowed us an insight into this phenomenal concept:

“It’s the next logical step for Jersey nightlife. With all the work do’s that go on, we thought – what better place to cage these suited, classy individuals than creating a place dedicated to the very workplace they’re actively trying to avoid.”

GPS trackers will be handed out to all finance firms and will be attached to your ankle next Monday. If you’re found even lurking outside Mimosa arguing about how your shoes aren’t trainers, you’ll be tasered and dragged to the new club via an insensitively powerful magnet.

Prototypes have been tested on willing finance participants, Blake Dempsey is one of the candidates:

“It’s brilliant. I was walking to Mimosa for the after work drinks that happen every Friday to help us forget the week as quickly as possible, when my ankle blissfully snapped as I was dragged through King Street and shunted towards the new Finance Finance Finance Club which lies in a secret location.”

“It looks great, it looks like office blocks, but smarter and with less windows. Bouncers have been replaced by Tax Officers, the dress code is purely suits (black or grey) and instead of having booths like in usual clubs, you’re forced into small, cramped office cubicles that all have pictures of famous business men and women that you must pray to after each drink.”

“Mine was Deborah Meaden. I hate her, so I must love her.”

“Even the names of drinks have changed. Vodka soda lime is now referred to as ‘Reports’ because everyone has them and we’ve been systematically programmed to enjoy them, even though we don’t. The classic shots, Sambuca and Tequila have been named after the exams ‘ICSA’ and ‘ACCA’, following the idea that you’re forced to take one hoping that somehow your life will improve – if only for short period of time – and then you’re forced to do them again.”

Blake informed us that the night ends with a talk about numbers, graphs, spreadsheets and jokes about Microsoft Excel that you must laugh at. If you’re found mocking the system, you’re forced into the backroom where you’re then forced to invest your money in things such as dolphin shavers and recent Nicholas Cage films in the hope they’ll become commercially successful.

There’s also no music. Entertainment is provided in the form of 6-hour long exams, and if you fail you have to continuously drink and take the exams until you pass, or collapse from liver failure.

Overlord Alan is confident the club will succeed:

“I cannot see Finance Finance Finance Club failing. It will open as soon as we’ve secured funding for more speed-bumps in St Marys.”

“Which will obviously go ahead, as that is a fucking fantastic idea.”

 

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