Jersey University ‘Not an Option’ as Everyone Would Constantly Be Drunk

THE IMPORTANT Jersey people have stated that having a university would be ‘the end of the civilisation itself’ 

As many students top-off year 13 by seeing Stormzy and a Chase & Status DJ set on a Greek island that really doesn’t want them there, the inevitable university void giddily waddles towards them, like your mum at the airport when she sees you’ve managed to maintain all your limbs upon returning from Kavos.

The Overlords of Jersey have shutdown the university option yet again, stating that the island would ‘destroy itself within the first week of Freshers.’

Overlord Alan envisions a dark future if Jersey did pursue this path:

“Giving Jersey a university would be like handing the Incredible Hulk a water pistol – it’s stupid and it wouldn’t know what to do with it.”

Blake Dempsey is a current student at Highlands College, studying Business Studies combined with Business Studies and he had a few words to say about opening a university:

“I say give the people what they want, and the solution is looking at us bang in the face, Fort Regent. It’s been treading water for too long, much like Jack in Titanic, and look how he turned out. Dead.”

“Sure, Fort Regent could easily be the university, but I’ve got bigger plans. What I propose to do, is transform the entire island into a university campus. It’s big enough and we could make the parishes into houses, like in Harry Potter, or Game of Thrones. Obviously, there’ll be none of this “not Slytherin, not Slytherin!” bullshit, if you’re born in St Mary or Gorey, well, it sucks to be you.”

Dempsey has some radical plans for Jersey’s university:

“King Street is basically a strip waiting to happen. Replace all the shops with bars, casinos and strip clubs and watch the profits boom. Jersey’s worried about tourism?  TING!  Not anymore.”

Dempsey also seeks to provide classic university entertainment in the shape of ‘socials:’

“Every day will have a social. I’m yet to draw a timetable thing, but I can’t image it being too difficult. I drew stick-men battles and My Chemical Romance lyrics all over my school timetable, so this should be a walk in the park.”

“I’ve got one idea nailed, Koko could host a Thirsty Thursday Footy Social, imagine seeing your pals stumble out of Koko after work, handcuffed to some weird half-naked American football players, from Aberdeen.”

A woman with morals has hit back at Dempsey’s remarks:

“The idea is barbaric, we can’t have the entire island wandering around, constantly pissed. We’re not Russia, we can’t pull this off.”

Despite Dempsey’s opposing opposition, it hasn’t dented his dreams of making this island great again. He has already began planning on weekly student events:

“Student nights would happen every night. I have a specific vision of Tanguy’s adopting the social name ‘Tasty Tuesday’s, wherein Tanguy’s merges with the hot dog place and it’s like a foam party, but the foam is replaced with hot dogs. There will just be tonnes of hot dogs machine-gunned onto the dance floor, it’s also kind of sexually symbolic, so it’s educational for arts students, too.”

Dempsey hopes that his pitch to the government will be met with roaring success, especially given how much they hate and bully Fort Regent for not being ‘cool enough.’

However, some islanders have quashed the university concept, claiming that Jersey already has a university in the form of Highlands. Dempsey was quick to address his feelings on that statement:

“…No.”

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