Jesus Died for Our Sins…and for Blkout



JESUS TOLD the gang to head to Blkout this Easter for a ‘mad one’

This year, Jesus took a more contemporary approach to his celebratory weekend, and informed everyone that going to Blkout would be ‘a really wise choice.’

Many took the weekend to relax and spend time with their families, however, as everyone knows, this euphoric concept of ‘family time’ and ‘love’ only lasts from around 9-5pm, similar to work. Once it hits 5:30, the simple reality of ‘I need to get binned’ sets in.

Blake Dempsey is one of the many who commits to this concept, and he was particularly thankful to Jesus this year for supplying him with something new:

“Jesus may not have left us with a lot, but he did leave us with Blkout. He really stepped it up this year as well, calling in his good pal Devlin (who’s helping him work on his grime album), and Chase & Status, who, like everyone else, he has seen over 4 billion times.”

The event clearly learnt from its previous set-ups, yes, we’re talking about those fucking ridiculous drink queues back in 2015 where you were better off leaving Fort Regent, walking to harbour, and drinking from the fucking sea.

Dempsey went on to explain how security was tight this year, because people were adamant that they were going to bring their own Easter eggs to the event to do some trading, like Pokemon, but with eggs:

“Mother bought me a sweet egg this year and I just had to show my friends. All was going well though, my egg was sound until I entered the heart of darkness (the main room) and discovered that everyone else had eggs… I thought I was unique, turns out the Easter bunny had shafted me.”

It appeared as though many people just really committed to Easter this year:

“Jesus delivered some bloody good eggs this year, the guy never disappoints, but there’s a line, I saw children smashing 30 cream eggs as a time.. I mean Christ alive.”

However, as the night progressed, Dempsey admitted that he felt somewhat self-conscious over his own egg:

“I got well scared at one point, I saw all these yungens (children of the younger variety that somehow got let in) trading Easter eggs. Lindt, Twirls and Galaxys were being chucked around and man’s just standing there like-

‘Shit, I’ve only got this cream egg.’

“It was then I realised that I was way out of my depth, and this event was about to kick-the-fuck-off.”

Dempsey explains that his decision to go to Blkout was one of fate and trust, and it certainly lived up to his expectations. He also commended Jesus and the Easter Bunny for the rap battle that ensued:

“‘Biggup Jesus for hosting this weekend, the man puts in a shift every year and we have to be grateful for that.

“Next year though, I’m hoping Judas and Hades will headline.”

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