Le Petit Train to Become Mental All-Out Summer Party Train

Le Petit Train looks to offer itself as a radical, youthful beacon for Jersey tourism, reports claim

Long has Le Petit Train carried the tourists of the 1970s around Jersey, regardless of their strange sunglasses. Now, the train is embracing change and has consequently decided to undergo a massive makeover this summer.

Blake Dempsey captains the land vessel:

“Times have changed. The audience demographic for the train is shifting, mainly because everyone that used to ride the train has died. As tragic as this is, the tourism market cares not, as it is a cruel, relentless bitch.”

“The idea for transformation came to me when I saw Justin Bieber and Mo (not from The Simpsons) performing that song that every man, woman and their nan were listening to back in 2015. It looked like fun and I liked the colours and the dancing.”

Dempsey is wasting no time preparing the project, as he is keen to have it completed before summer awkwardly waddles into St Brelades and maybe St Ouens if the wind isn’t too nasty.

“Picture it, you’re having a nice coffee or bacon roll down at the Gunsite, and you hear this DJ air horn in the distance, the one that Flo Rida and those pretend DJs play before a track drops. Their coffees would tremble upon witnessing the new and improved El Grande Fiesta Train throttle through the avenue walkway at a brisk 90mph blaring out Skrillex and DJ Khaled whilst pre-Kavos-infused teenagers launch flares at people as they toxically mimic dubstep sounds.”

However, El Grande Fiesta Train’s journey wouldn’t simply end at Liberation Square, no.

“Instead, it would swerve onto the road and gun it through the tunnel, slamming right in-and-over the roundabout (this is where the air horn would be repeatedly pounded as it glides gloriously through mid-air) and with as much grace as an elephant being dropped from a Boeing 747 onto a child’s playground, it would land bang in the middle of the Havre des Pas swimming pool, where a massive Ibiza-esq pool party would take place.”

A man with morals has voiced his opinion on Le Petit Train’s 2017 summer transformation:

“This sounds horrible, morbid, unjust and utterly barbaric.”

“Sign me up.”

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