AN ISLAND crisis ensued moments after The Living Legend shut down
For years The Living Legend had threatened to close its doors for good. Back in 2006, King Blake Dempsey (King of The Living Legend) stated “this will be The Living Legend’s final year of service”, and continued to threaten the public for another 10 years. A genius marketing ploy from Dempsey.
However, in January 2016 King Dempsey declared: “I didn’t make enough kitten sacrifices to the Gods this year. Henceforth, The Living Legend is now legit closed – unless someone wants to offer me some kittens.”
Obviously the residents of Jersey were accustomed to the sort of ‘boy who cried wolf’ scenario Dempsey had been feeding them for years, and therefore ignored his remarks. The reality was brought to light after Sebastian Hammond drove up to the complex, eager to ‘smash out some crazy golf’ with a handful of companions.
“As I drove up, I knew something wasn’t right. The air was stale, and I’m fairly certain I saw Satan and Katie Hopkins racing around the Go-Kart track, laughing. I whacked my snap-back on and swaggered up to the wrought wooden gates, only to find they were slammed shut, with the message “I told you this would happen” clawed on with blood.
It was like something out of The Prince of Egypt.”
Islanders were left genuinely pissed off upon realising there was now literally fuck-all to do in the summer apart from swan around St Brelades beach and show off your 2-month gym body. Other reports claim that children as young as 6 took to the streets armed with cans of Strongbow Dark Fruit lamenting their stolen childhoods via their £500 iPhones.
Sebastian fears for the rest of the unemployed sun-chasing youths of the island:
“Literally, what can we do now? The Dinosaur Park thing scares me and the children at the arcade throw tennis balls at me and kick me in the shins. There’s almost no choice but to drink copious amounts of alcohol and smash golf balls off Sorel Point.
It’s either that or get a job, and like fuck am I conforming to this bullshit society.”