A MAN has revealed the horrors of realising you’re wearing trainers in the queue to Mimosa
Last Saturday, a rare event occurred outside Mimosa, involving a man, and his trainers.
Despite what the victim named ‘one of the most basic mistakes of life’ and ‘more harrowing than the beginning of Bambi’, Blake Dempsey did allow us an insight into what really happened the night he attempted to get into Mimosa wearing trainers:
“Obviously it began at pre-drinks, which were solid as usual, Dan fell off a chair, again.
“We’d just attempted to have an incredibly optimistic BBQ on St Ouen’s beach to make use of the glorious weather. Though, obviously we forgot that St Ouens regularly hosts gale force wind tournaments, to which we were invited, and our BBQ was not.”
“So, we headed back to the gaff for some food, smashed on Sheeran’s new album and began the sesh.”
Blake continued, his hands, quivering:
“The night was going well, the walk into town, standard, my shirt, a bit soaked in vodka and lime, standard, but spirits were high and I was wearing a short-sleeve t-shirt, because fuck the cold, I have a new tattoo.”
“As I swanned into Lib Square, nearing Mimosa’s glorious gates, a sense of dread shadowed my usually cheery self.”
“At first I thought, ‘it must be the M&S microwave meal I ate before’, then, my common sense kicked in ‘of course it wasn’t M&S, they wouldn’t betray me like this.'”
” ‘Twas then I suddenly realised, ‘Oh, my shoelace is undone, I’ll just- wait… My boat shoes have fake laces… These are-
“Why did no one tell me? My brothers, my brethren, why did they not inform me of this?”
Blake stated that he ran up to his friend, Dan, begging him to scarper back to First Tower with him to change into some stunning £25 Burton shoes:
“Daniel’s beautiful smile turned upside down, like a frown, a frown of fucking disgust when he gazed upon my Nike Airmaxes:
“Blake mate, you fucking donut.”
Blake knew that there was more chance of him gaining entry in fancy dress than there was in him wearing some genuinely nice, and expertly crafted trainers.
“I only had one shot, and one opportunity, to seize everything I ever wanted, one moment, I had to get in, or just… well, basically die.”
Blake told us that despite the 2 litres of Co-op vodka he’d consumed in the space of 45 minutes, the horror of not getting into Mimosa was able to completely sober him, and raise his IQ immensely. He recounted his plan of action:
“I thought if I was able to huddle within my group like a penguin, I may be able to liquify myself, and slither through the entrance like the pitiful, withering worm I am.”
Then, the guardians of Mimosa uttered the four soul-crushing words:
“You’re wearing trainers, mate.”
“The words hit me like a concrete slab to the fucking chest, it was as though Thor had launched Mjolnir straight at my grid… these words hurt more than the opening scene of UP.”
Upon realising Blake’s crumbling spirit, his friends did the noble thing and sacked him off without a moment’s hesitation:
“Dan put up a bit of the fight, like ‘Oh shit Blake, try get in round the back mate’, Dan obviously thought the bouncer – who was literally standing next to me – wouldn’t hear his covert, mission impossible plan of me ‘going round the back.'”
“Everyone fucking knows ‘going round the back’ never works, unless you have one of those ‘special cards’ that I’m pretty sure don’t exist.”
“But, obviously, I tried, being all like ‘Hello, please do the honourable thing and let me spend a disgusting amount of money in this nightclub you’re guarding like the loyal Alsatian you are.'”
Blake was obviously re-directed to the front of Mimosa, where he attempted to mess up his hair, unbutton his shirt a bit, and attempt an Aussie accent in one last desperate plea to gain entrance.
Despite not gaining entrance for a good hour, Blake remembered the power of the infamous Jersey Lift squadron, who were able to drop his Burton flippers in.
“Good on them, really appreciated the lengths they went to, to help a peasant like myself…
“Shame I immediately got kicked out for throwing-up on the piano.”