A MAN has come forward to address seven misconceptions that non-islanders have when they visit Jersey
Man of the people, Blake Dempsey, has outlined some rules for the people who are unaware of the Jersey etiquette. While some who have visited before understand the complexities that come with living on this island, others simply cannot cope with the vast differences and cultural shocks that hit them immediately after they step off the plane, or if they’re mental, Condor.
1. “Your nightlife is woeful, there was more atmosphere at my Nan’s funeral.”
“For a tourist or a friend to come over from wherever the fuck they live and then have the audacity to hate-on Mimosa and The Royal Yachticus, (even though we constantly voice our hatred for them) is simply not on.”
“It’s like some guy coming up and kicking your child in the face. Sure, your child is probably an annoying, spiteful moron with no social etiquette and most likely deserves that kick in the face, but only you may kick your child in the face. Anyone else will be met with a swift kick to their face.”
2. “Your beaches aren’t that great. I prefer Blackpool.”
“For some mutant from Bournemouth, Norwich, or anywhere in the UK to come over and start slating St Brelade’s beach is like having your Mother come and see your uni house for the first time. It’s all like, ‘Back off Sally, I live in a palace. Everyone is chilled and everything is stunning. We don’t follow your UK rules here, pebbles ain’t allowed, pebbles don’t make a beach, pebbles make annoying roads, like that idiotic circle in St Mary.”
“Don’t hate the player, Sally, hate the game.'”
3. “Why is your city centre a road, and why can’t we go on it during ‘peak hours?'”
“Jersey doesn’t have a city, dumbass.”
“Additionally, non-islanders don’t understand that there is an unwritten law that you do not venture into town between the hours of 12-2pm on weekdays, and literally never on a Saturday.”
“King Street is simply too small to house that many people, plus, all the lunch-time freedom seekers burst from their offices like bees desperately trying to escape the hive, and to an unsuspecting newcomer, it has the same feeling as a horde of well-dressed orcs sprinting towards a watering hole at a safari park.”
“When people from abroad come over, they’re always like ‘ooh let’s go shopping, I want to see your city.'”
- Mate, we don’t have a city, it’s a glorified road with an Accessorize and a criminally small Topshop.
- We ain’t going fucking shopping.
In short, stay away from King Street unless you know exactly what you’re going in for. Get in, get out. Clinical. A swift kill.”
4. “You live on an island mate, why don’t you surf?”
Fuck off, Dan, you live in Peckham, why aren’t you a gangster?
5. “Let’s just get a taxi, it must be so cheap over here, Blake.”
“The lord of the taxi-men thought it’d be a great idea to rinse us for our yearly wage upon stepping one foot into their apparent ‘golden chariots.’ Doesn’t matter where you go, you’re going to be spending at least £20. Might as well ring Jersey’s own personal version of Batman, Jersey Lifts.”
“They are the unsung heroes the government can’t legally mess with, the protectors of the common folk, the watchful guardians of our nightlife, and destroyers of overpriced and understaffed taxi warlords.”
6. “Don’t you bump into your ex all the time?”
“Yes. But we’re cool. It’s cool. Sort of, we’re alright, a bit. We’re sound. I get with her when I’m pissed, but it’s sound. We have a system, it’s a sound system…
“Except when she gets with anyone else, then it’s not sound. It’s anti-sound. Like deaf. It deafens me, and sometimes all I can hear at night are the tears streaming from my regretful, fat, selfish face. I miss her so much.”
7. “What can you actually do here?”
“… Well, when it’s sunny, Instagram is lit with beach and food pics. So, a career in that is a definite possibility.”
“Aside from that, we drink, eat and complain about the finance industry until it’s Friday. Then we drink to forget our complaints for that week, then, the following week, we complain again.
Rinse and repeat.”
- No we are not French, they just came over in the night and wrote on all our stuff.
- No, we aren’t in America.
- No, we aren’t some sort of American clothing thing.
“In truth, it’s a great system here, and we love it. So, don’t come over here like Zeus with your giant thunderbolt-needle trying to burst our perfect little bubble.”