JERSEY IS IN LOCKDOWN after 4 billion migrants storm St Ouen’s beach
Just a few days ago, Jersey was hit with migrants armed with Boots meal deals in an attempt to siege St Ouen’s Bay.
Fortunately, islander Blake Dempsey was at the scene to recount the events he witnessed:
“It was like the war all over again. These migrants with incredible quad and calf muscles just started running across the beach whilst aggressively clutching their Boots meal deals. One had a fucking pug.”
“I had to avert my eyes when I saw one of them had purchased a ham and mustard sandwich. The nerve of the man, we cannot be having this on our island, that type of sandwich is far too right wing.”
Dempsey immediately called the police and claimed that a S.W.A.T team and 4 Apache helicopters were required at the scene. Though, due to Jersey’s police armoury reflecting that of a pink Furbee with a butter knife strapped to its face, the police were only able to throw out an honorary hatchback and Marge from St Mary.
Dempsey stated this was not the first time he had called the police for such matters:
“I saw an elderly lady clutching what was definitely an assault rifle last week down in King Street. I called the police and they claimed that it was merely an umbrella.”
“Bullshit, I know an AK-47 when I see one.”
The police were quick to respond to the distress, informing islanders to lock and bar all of their doors, and to sacrifice a goat and their first child in order to ward off the migrants.
Dempsey went onto to state how they eventually sat down on the beach to crack on with their meal deals:
“They were legit planning some sort of breach strategy. I saw one bloke remove a piece of chicken and flick it at his mate. Definitely symbolic of them smashing down the doors to our homes.”
“Soon after, they all decided to get a selfie, presumably to brag about how easy it was to breach St Ouen.”
Dempsey believes he witnessed some of the most ‘chilled immigration techniques’ he has seen for some time:
“I watched them as they eventually stormed the stairs leading up to The Watersplash and my god they were more prepared than I thought.”
“They just really casually got into their people-carriers (probably full of more meal deals and CVs) and started texting their pals. One of them clocked me and just smiled. So, I rang the police again.”
Dempsey strongly believes that Jersey needs to employ stricter immigration laws if the island is to prepare for more onslaught:
“This cannot go on. My family are currently huddled beneath the floorboards of my home and we are letting these monstrous Boots meal deal fanatics gallivant around our prized beach. Something needs to happen, we need to call Nigel Farage, helicopter him in or something, anything.”
Dempsey claims he is currently working on ways to secure the island due to the police not taking appropriate defensive action:
“I’ve got fuck all yet, but it’s a work in progress. One thing I can say is that we’ll be leaving Gorey completely unguarded, because I think people would genuinely rather drown than realise they’ve washed up there.”