Peacock Considers Murdering Islander

PERCY THE PEACOCK has been left outraged after man with Range Rover seeks his death

Percy, who has been spending time away from the island to tackle his drug habit, has returned home to some startling news regarding his social status:

“I’ve just got out of rehab and returned to the island, only to find that a man who seems to have confused his plot of land with my own wants to shoot me in the face. Ball-ache.”

Percy claims that the man has attempted to move into Percy’s four bedroom house with his family, by parking his Range Rover outside his house:

“As you may have heard, this man has began parking his car here, possibly in some sort of snide attempt to assert his dominance. Granted, upon returning from abroad, I did initially believe the reflection in the Range Rover door to be Neville from my old accounts department, of whom I fucking despise.”

“So, I went up to the door of the Range Rover, in a state of flurry and anger, and went to smash his face in. ‘Twas only an hour later I realised that Neville had actually been taken to Durrell Zoo for racism and homophobia, so it couldn’t have been him.”

Despite this mix-up, Percy still cannot understand why this man feels he has the right to evict Percy and his family of four from their cottage in St Lawrence. Percy has sought legal action against the man, but has been let down by several solicitors that he had branded ‘xenophobic’ and ‘general wankers.’

“My solicitor keeps blocking my call, like I’m some sort of creature. Also, I’m now hearing the man claim that I’ve done some ‘serious damage’ to his car? Here’s a thought, don’t park on my fucking driveway. You don’t live here ‘mate.’

Things began to heat up once Percy was informed that the police had been called into action:

“This illusive man then had the nerve to send a S.W.A.T team after me. Luckily, I have previous experience serving in Afghanistan, so my military training came into good use. Notably, my skill to fucking leg-it up a tree and pretend to be a branch.”

Percy tells us of one instance where he was nearly caught:

“Despite my battlefield prowess, I seldom remember that I’m a peacock. So, when I went to blend in with some people down the Saint Laurent Pub, the police spotted me, despite ordering a pint of ale with the locals.”

“Luckily, when they asked me if I was a peacock, I simply replied ‘nah mate’ and they swiftly moved on.”

Regarding sourcing a solution to this problem, Percy has remained calm in the eyes of conflict, claiming he’s the innocent one in this typical Jersey problem:

“The nerve of the guy. I mean, sure, I’ve smashed up his car, but at the end of the day, he’s parked on my land, and I have the right to fuck his shit up.”

“I’ve also heard they’ve now ordered another S.W.A.T unit from the U.S to try and catch me. Pretty exciting to be honest, considering vast portions of my day consist of filing, stamping reports and throwing feathers at Lisa down in Marketing.”

Percy was also told that he had until Friday to rectify the man’s attitude, or face death:

“I say we make this slightly fairer. I reckon we hold a UFC Battle and we smash it on ITV news at 9pm. Just me and this bloke in a cage, nothing but knuckles and fists, and if he complains about my razor sharp claws, I’ll just throw the racial prejudice card at him, surely that’ll grant me immediate victory?”

The man in question, who has been named Blake Dempsey, was asked to comment on the current predicament:

“This peacock is a cunt.”

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