The Process of Avoiding People: Gatwick to Jersey Airport

A man describes the process of avoidance during a routine trip from Gatwick to Jersey

Blake Dempsey recounts his process of avoiding people during his EasyJet Flight 478573291999999 from Gatwick to Jersey:

Gatwick

“Everyone who’s cool flies from Gatwick because that’s the closest airport to London, unless you’re counting London City Airport, which obviously isn’t cool.”

“Gatwick itself is still a nightmare, despite how many times they swap the perfume section around. First step, sit there with your Boots meal deal awaiting the call to gate 55D – Jersey, then search for any potential islanders you’d like to avoid on this flight.”

“However, at this stage, it’s near-on impossible to spot anyone you know, it’s like trying to find your mate at Glastonbury, when he’s actually at Reading.”

“So, you waddle to the 55D lounge and here’s when shit hits the fan. You have to be tactile as hell if you want to play this game of social dodgeball the right way.”

The Boarding Lounge

“Plug your headphones in and find a seat in the corner of the room, this means no fucker can sneak-up behind you and strike-up conversation without your permission.”

“You now have the seat of dominance and vision, like Mufasa standing upon that big rock looking over all the other animals. Now’s when you search for people, like a promiscuous hawk. If you’ve got a hat, don it, if you’ve got sunglasses, fuck it, bang them on to, you’ll look like a celebrity or someone who’s horrendously hungover. In theory, this means no one will bother or recognise you.”

“See that person over there you used to know from Year 9? Ignore the fucker. There’s a reason the two of you don’t speak and being at an airport is not an excuse to try and reignite a flame that was never even a flame to begin with. Neither of you want to talk to each other, so just let it be. If they spot you, ignore them or follow the advice further down in the article.”

Note:

“Also, if you’ve been away for a while (2 weeks – 30 years) make sure you’re wearing an outfit people will talk about with their friends back home, but won’t make them approach you in the boarding lounge.”

Boarding

“There is no escape here. Get the fuck on the plane and sit down. If you’re boarding from the front, keep your head down and do not make eye contact with a soul, not even the flight attendants. You might know them from previous flights and they might say ‘hello’, you do not want this.”

“Once you have located your seat, awkwardly ask the person who’s blocking your window view to move so you can tuck yourself into that corner like a fat man in a beanbag.”

“Where you’re sat will depend on how much you’re able to prowl for potential threats. For example, if you’re sat near the front, and you didn’t efficiently scout for potential threats in the airport lounge, do not attempt the toilet, someone might recognise you and tweet about you upon landing.”

“If you’re sat at the back, you’re safer, because you won’t be in direct view of people. However, this also means that you’ll have to identify people purely by the back of their heads if you previously had not already identified the potential threats from the lounge. This can sometimes be difficult, especially if you’re not trained on identifying people by the back of their heads.”

Landing

“Let the idiots who stand up and grab their bags once the plane has landed continue being idiots. Remain in your seat. If you’re blocking someone in, fuck ’em, educate them on the fact that just because the plane has landed doesn’t mean you can leave immediately. That’d be like trying to exit the taxi when the doors are locked, or being in jail and trying to escape without a key.”

“Remain in your seat.”

Jersey Airport

“Run.”

“Run through the slidey opening doors, ignore the two weird fake policemen asking you where you’ve been and how much cocaine you’ve stored in your hand luggage and just fucking run.”

“Your mum’s waiting for you in arrivals? Run past the bitch. Tell her to grab the parking ticket and bolt like Usain. You’ve no time for this.”

“Once you’re in the car, you can relax and apologise to your mother for your appalling behaviour. She’s a kind woman and doesn’t deserve your shit.”

“Go home, get changed and go to Mimosa where you’ll be drunk enough to speak to the people you avoided in the airport and then make up some lies about how you should see each other more.”

Worst Case Scenarios

“Of course, if you do recognise someone and they don’t spot you, just ignore them. It’s as simple as that. You may be able to attempt a faint smile if you’re in a position where they cannot approach you, i.e., a queue or somewhere far down the plane.”

“If someone recognises you and approaches you in an attempt to start conversation, then there’s no way out unless you’d like to try your hand at being a sociopath.”

“If you are a sociopath, then this entire guide has been pointless.”

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