Replacing Koko & Kasbar With Offices ‘Will See Nightlife Flourish’ Says Man With Office

IMPORTANT MEN have revealed that grey offices are the key to bringing vibrant, youthful energy back to the island

Jersey is best known for it’s ‘off the chain insane‘ nightlife, specifically Mimosa, where you enter like a proud peacock in expensive shoes, and leave like one of those degenerates off Love Island who do the most ridiculous shit for 5 minutes of fame.

Most recently, the powerful men in suits have declared that in order to reinvigorate Jersey’s sex appeal, they must strip down nightlife and replace it with steel, grey offices with unnecessarily large windows, that face other unnecessarily large windows.

When venturing into town to debate the plans to replace Koko & Kasbar with offices (or other soul-crushingly dull shit), we stumbled into Blake Dempsey, who, at the time, was summoning pigeons to the Royal Square. He divulged to us, his thoughts:

“I mean, it’s yet another genius move from the men in suits. It’s the height of summer, exams are finished, Brelades is as popular as a rich kid with a fidget spinner, and the men in suits have decided to turn a complex that has been dedicated to clubbing for 25 years into office blocks or something equally as thrilling.”

“Fucking ace idea lads, bang on.”

Dempsey feels the important men have been too hasty in their ideas, and believes he has a more innovative venue solution:

“Obviously, eradicating everything that represents the younger generation is an outstanding idea, but I feel this was an opportunity wasted.’

“I mean, I think they’ve missed a trick here… My idea is, why not build a fucking prison there?”

“It’d be so much easier for the police to drag me out of Mimosa and throw me straight into the prison across the road for the night. I’d call it, Psycho Cell, and it’d play a mix of Bieber and Nickelback, which would terrify the cellmates, forcing them to sober up and re-evaluate their morbid Mimosa attitudes.”

Dempsey believes it could eventually hold several cells designated to different drunken crimes:

“One cell block could act as a sort of ‘sin bin’ wherein once you’ve calmed down and vomited into the designated buckets, a light would turn green, the cell doors would open, and you’d be able to waltz back into Mimosa. The bouncers would then have to show you their I.D, ‘cus you’ve just bailed from Psycho Cell, you’re unstoppable.”

Despite Dempsey’s idea having the potential to win Dragon’s Den, he has admitted there are some flaws that’d need to be ironed out:

“I’m an intelligent man, therefore, I am aware of the dangers this concept presents. Mainly because I’d probably end up intentionally bottling some twat just to get free entry into Psycho Cell.

Despite Dempsey’s innovative idea, he claims that there is still a colossal problem that must be addressed:

“But in all seriousness, where are all the 14-year-olds going to go now? What are they going to do on a Friday or Saturday night? Pokemon GO is effectively dead, and I’m fairly certain Fort Regent Play Area (though incredible) isn’t open during these hours.”

“I see riots breaking out outside Koko, with children demanding their fix of WKD and Apple Sours shots. I fear I’d not venture into town with these savages nesting next door to my beloved Mimosa.”

He also envisions a town of desperation and heartache once the closure is finalised:

“I’ll miss seeing the children high off lemonade, dancing to Nicki Minaj and Iggy Azalea, having no idea what their songs symbolically represent.”

“Now, instead of my mates saying:

‘mate, wanna hit Koko?’

and then laughing as we scoff down our extortionately priced beverages, we’ll now say something like:

‘mate, wanna hit Koko- ah fuck… Not there is it.’

“… It wouldn’t be the most philosophical of conversations, but it still sucks.”

Dempsey believes that things can only go downhill from here, and envisions that soon, Jersey won’t even have a nightclub:

“In the future, Jersey might as well not have a night cycle, because there will just be fuck-all to do except eat at The Square, drink sparkling water, and gaze upon the archaic remains of our misspent youth…

“Chambers will still be there though, it’ll always be there, snidely masquerading as a fucking pub.”