Science Claims Jersey Has All the Ingredients to Host ‘Love Island’

JERSEY BEATS Guernsey to host popular summer show of freaks

Previously, Blake Dempsey had discussed the potential for Jersey to host its own Ex on the Beach series, due to the fact that the entire island continues necking the Gossip Girl formula like a heartbroken ICSA student after failing their exam for the third time.

More recently however, Love Island has been mentally abusing people with its absurdly intriguing sexual antics, and a cast that feel as if they’ve been created in a lab by two amateur psychologists obsessed with soft-core porn and claustrophobia.

After hearing Koko&Kasbar were leaving us, islander and philanthropist Blake Dempsey believes now is the time to rise up during this deeply saddening time:

“The people of Jersey are scared, frail, and sexually-frustrated. I have arrived in order to quench their thirst.”

“We have all the ingredients to make this fucking horrific Love Island pie. We have an island and tonnes of scumbag love-rats. It’s a no-brainer, great tourism bait as well.”

Dempsey has wasted no time in preparing the layout of the series:

“Here’s my proposal…

“First, participants will need to send in their video profiles, explaining why they should be selected. I myself will personally traverse Facebook, hunting for people that constantly post the most ridiculous shit. Extra points will be awarded to people who seem to think Facebook is the best platform for complaining about their respective partners. There are places reserved for these special, special people.”

Dempsey then went into some of the more specific elements of the show:

“Voting people off the island would be taken literally. The losers of Love Island Jersey would be deported to Guernsey. Though, three of them would be given the chance to re-enter Jersey at the end of summer – in a similar fashion to qualifying for the Premier League.”

Dempsey continued by stating that only one candidate from every parish will be accepted:

“This is incredibly important. The thought of having more than 6 people from St Ouen in a room at one time may cause civil unrest, and drastically lower the IQ of the entire room, and while funny, this could end in murder.”

Despite Dempsey following the strict concept of the original show, he seeks to add some extra spice to Jersey’s series. Specifically in the form of challenges:

“I fucking love how they have this God figure who texts the peasants and they do stuff, like The Sims. However, I’m going to shake things up early doors.”

“I’m going to throw some bloke from Guernsey in there, and not tell them. Then, one day, I’ll text the peasants like:

‘Find the mudblood – #Guernseyscum’

“My hope is that they start interrogating each other, until one of them dies or something. Imagine the viewing figures for that episode. Winner-winner chicken dinner.”

Another challenge will focus on forcing the candidates to take turns naming the people they’ve slept with:

“Once a name has been repeated, or matched, (which won’t take long) the candidates must yell ‘SNAP’, similar to the game, Snap.”

“Then, once all the sex-naming has been paired-up and finalised, they must fight for their shared lovers, with kitchen utensils.”

“I call it, Slut Wars.”

One islander has rejected the proposed series, claiming the show isn’t just for ‘fucking morons’ –

“I studied Law, Ethics and Conservatism at St Andrews and I love the show. It makes me feel better about myself. I know it’s awful but as long as I know it’s awful, it’s okay to like it.”

Dempsey retaliated in typical fashion:

“By that by that logic, you’d also watch kittens get run-over by a truck, because it makes you feel better about yourself, because you’re not being run-over by a fucking truck. Yet, somehow you still find it mildly entertaining.”

Additionally, Dempsey believes introducing a new dynamic would further increase the show’s potential:

“I’d also like to throw someone really normal in there, someone genuinely nice, a David Attenborough-type character. Just so I can sit back and watch how the others corrupt him.”

Dempsey admits that Jersey has needed its own show for quite some time, and given the non-stop social antics, he believes the show is destined for success:

“Too much undocumented shit goes down on this island, and it’s time we Gossip Girl the shit out of it.”

The series is yet to be funded, but Dempsey assures islanders that it will happen at some stage:

“I’ll make this a reality, even if it means filming a night out in Mimosa on my iPhone, and just spreading vicious rumours.”

“I won’t be doing that this weekend however, because I’m busy, watching Love Island.”

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