ST BRELADE’S beach has been shortlisted for a programme even worse than Big Brother, sources claim
The owner of the show, Ryan Cockgoblet, has confirmed that St Brelade’s beach has made it into the final 3 beaches to feature on this repugnant show, alongside Scumbag Beach in Malia.
For the islanders that are unaware of the premise of this show, here’s a quick synopsis:
Imagine casting a giant net laced with protein promises and house music into a sea of desperate men with serious self-esteem issues and the combined IQ of Katie Hopkins and Joey Essex.
Now lower that IQ, considerably.
Now, behold and yonder at the marvellous squalor of odious mutants caught in this net of contemporary nightmares, as the very women they would ideally like to avoid in any normal social circumstance are air-dropped onto exactly the same beach as them.
We had the absolute pleasure of meeting the man who came up with the idea of rounding up the most intolerable humans in England and pitching them against each other in some sort of post-modern Gladiator battle for female approval. Cockgoblet speaks of why Jersey became the perfect venue for sourcing talent:
“I spent 10 minutes inside Mimosa and came out with enough content for 38 series spanning over 27 years.”
Cockgoblet claims he didn’t even need to host formal auditions due to the high number of venomous toads that litter Jersey nightlife. One candidate in particular stood out from the crowd:
“Rhino (yes, that was the man’s name) was incredible. First, he came up to me and asked if I knew his girlfriend – to which I said no as I didn’t live here, which he consequently couldn’t understand.”
“Rhino then explained the reasons why he’d make the perfect candidate:
“I bump into my ex, Tara, all the time. This is because we go to the same clubs, same Co-op, same dentist, same gym, same coffee shop, same hairdresser, same restaurants and we even share a parking space at Green Street.”
“Everyone knows that St Brelade is the most popular beach in Jersey – the Instagrammer’s wet dream. The programme is perfect for Jersey due to the fact that at least 5 of your ex’s will be present on the beach at any given time. So, there’s no need to hunt them down, the job’s already done.”
Cockgoblet was adamant that despite Rhino’s immense talent for being an insufferably vain and socially poisonous middle-class snake, there was one main rule that he must follow:
“Rhino, when you see your ex appear on St Brelade’s beach, it’s very important you act surprised, despite the fact she literally lives next to you. Also, I know the name ‘Ex On The Beach’ might appear to give some of the plot away, but ignore that, that’s just a name, like Bruce, or something.”
Many islanders are embracing St Brelade’s potential new-found fame, claiming it could be the best thing to happen to the island since Bergerac. Cockgoblet cannot wait for the show to air:
“The show’s potential is immense. Visionary. Cultivated. Enlightening. I might as well delete Snapchat and Instagram, who needs them when ‘Ex On The Beach: St Brelade’ essentially makes the reason you have the apps redundant.”
Nearing our exit, we bumped into Rhino leaving the salon, and he let us in on a little bit of gossip, on the sly:
“I’m so proud to represent my country, Jersey. Jokes on the producer though, because Tara isn’t actually my ex, I don’t even know a Tara, and my name isn’t Rhino, it’s Blake Dempsey, and I’m actually gay.”
“So this is going to be fucking hilarious.”