ISLANDERS actively avoiding driving through St Marys due to its alien landscape
St Marys has been a public disturbance ever since government funding decided that the parish should adopt a similar landscape to Mars.
Islanders frequently find themselves driving at what many would call a normal speed, only to be propelled into the unwelcoming face of the steering wheel upon realising they have stumbled into the contemporary equivalent to Mordor.
Mrs Walker is one of the civilians suffering from the parish’s relentless landscape:
“Most mornings I awake to the sound of a polite song thrush nestling upon my windowsill. I get out of bed, put on 103 and begin making myself an incredibly healthy breakfast. The day holds beauty and tranquility in its comforting arms. ‘I’m going to take my dog for a walk on the beach!’ I think to myself as I apply my John Lewis wellington boots.
Then I remember I live in fucking St Marys.”
“The strategically placed summoning circle right outside the church is also mildly concerning. In fact I’ve actually seen cultists commune their late at night, lamenting about Brexit and how there’s always a queue at the Kiosk.”
Many people have been so badly affected by the parish that they have taken extreme measures just to avoid venturing through it. Reports claim that a cyclist – upon realising he was about to enter St Marys – consequently turned around, built a kayak at Grev de Lecq and paddled around to St Ouen.
Pub owner Blake Dempsey too, fears for his business:
“I have began offering pints to people that make it here in one piece as an acknowledgment of their bravery.”
Blake claims he has seen some tragic accidents unfold outside his pub. “I saw a Mazda MX5 meet its untimely demise right after it crossed the cobbled Satanic Circle. He simply didn’t realise that the second speed bump is even more sinister than the first.
He was sucked into a vortex shortly after.”
In 2014, residents vented their anger by spilling oil onto the Satanic Circle in a desperate attempt to summon the Prince of Darkness himself.
“Maybe someday Lucifer will lovingly embrace us with the sweet, merciless swing of his scythe.”
“Until then, living in St Marys will have to suffice.”