St Mary’s ‘Ridiculous Landscape’ Must Be Addressed

ISLANDERS ARE actively avoiding driving through St Mary due to its alien landscape

St Mary has been a public disturbance ever since government funding decided that the parish should adopt a similar landscape to the setting of Mad Max.

Islanders frequently find themselves driving at what many would call a normal speed, only to be propelled into the unwelcoming face of the steering wheel upon realising they have stumbled into the contemporary equivalent to Mordor.

Blake Dempsey is one of the civilians suffering from the parish’s relentless landscape:

“Most mornings I awake to the sound of a polite song thrush nestling upon my windowsill. I get out of bed, put on 103 and begin making myself an incredibly healthy breakfast. The day holds beauty and tranquility in its comforting arms. ‘I’m going to take my dog for a walk on the beach!’ I think to myself as I apply my John Lewis wellington boots.

Then I remember I live in fucking St Mary.”

“The strategically placed summoning circle right outside the church is also mildly concerning. In fact, I’ve actually seen cultists commune there late at night, lamenting about Brexit and how there’s always a queue at the Burger Bar, no matter what day.”

Many people have been so badly affected by the parish that they have taken extreme measures just to avoid venturing through it. Reports claim that a cyclist – upon realising he was about to enter St Mary – consequently turned around, built a kayak at Grev de Lecq and paddled around to St Ouen.

Pub owner Mr. Dempledog too, fears for his business:

“I have began offering pints to people that make it here in one piece, as an acknowledgment of their bravery.”

Mr. Dempledog claims to have seen some tragic accidents unfold outside his pub:

“I saw a Mazda MX5 meet its untimely demise right after it crossed the cobbled Satanic Circle. He simply didn’t realise that the second speed bump is even more sinister than the first.

He was sucked into a vortex shortly after.”

Overlord Alan – who has recently recovered after hearing Madness had agreed to headline his 70th birthday in Gorey – has released this statement:

“It was a solid investment. Obviously, Sport, Education and Culture is just a gimmick, a myth, like terrorism, or global warming.”

Overlord Alan has quashed claims that the money could have been spent on more ‘important’ things:

“This was definitely the most efficient way to spend £300k. Look at how pretty and non-piss-annoying it is. I’ve also heard that motorcyclists love skidding across the cobbles we keep lubricating every day. It’s immense fun for all.”

Due to the fact that 87% of the population in St Mary are over the age of 80, reports are coming out claiming that the roundabout (Satan’s Circle) has been the cause of many surgical issues. Blake Dempsey was at hand again to speak of his woes:

“I was heading towards Satan’s Circle in St Mary, driving at the suggested speed of zero miles per hour when I approached that fucker of a ’roundabout.’ After I’d tackled the first bump successfully (and re-aligned my spine), I felt triumphant and proud of my land vessel.”

“However, shortly after my conquest, I realised I had underestimated the brute force of the second bump, much like the Titanic with that ice-berg. In one swift and unforgiving motion, my spine dislodged, and my land vessel sunk into the beautiful tarmac, along with my soul, which now belongs to Satan.”

In 2014, residents vented their anger by spilling oil onto the Satanic Circle in a desperate attempt to summon the Prince of Darkness himself.

“Maybe someday Lucifer will lovingly embrace us with the sweet, merciless swing of his scythe.”

“Until then, living in St Mary will have to suffice.”

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