A TEENAGER claims to have lost his identity after cutting off three and a half years of festival wristbands, it has emerged
Derek from Bath is struggling to find purpose in life after removing his five festival wristbands.
“I had to cut them off for a job interview, I always ask for them extra tight so I can’t lose them, my circulation hasn’t been great but one of my pictures racked up 24 likes on Instagram.” Derek’s appearance is important to him and his bands highlighted his wild lifestyle.
“How will people know what kind of person I am now?” He said wearing a Young Money t-shirt and Abercrombie aftershave.
“When girls saw the wristbands they instinctively knew that I’d been places and seen so much.” Name-dropping a field in Shropshire, a disused barn in Suffolk and a fire-scathed warehouse in Wrexham.
A brief chat with his Mum confirmed our concerned premonitions.
“I recently caught him ‘raving’ at 2am wearing gold sunglasses and blowing a whistle. I’m awoken most nights to relentless chants concerning his friend William Griggs apparently being ‘on fire.'”
After days of taking photos of his wristbands that he could upload at a consistent weekly rate to remind his 68 followers on Instagram he was still ‘in with Mumford & Sons’ he has begun to accept his descent into adulthood.
“Cutting them off was like cutting off a limb” he professed whilst maintaining all the classic vital limbs.
Despite such the tragic event, Derek finds solace in knowing his wristbands are safe and secure in his translucent jar that his Mother bought him to stash other pointless objects in.
“I sleep easy knowing I can crack them out before a mad night at Vodka Revs in Devon.”
Asking why he couldn’t just sellotape them back on, he responded “that would be sad” but has conceded that he may staple them back on for future festival outings.