The 5 Types of Jersey Drunk

An islander describes the 5 types of drunkenness in Jersey

Man of the people, Blake Dempsey, has outlined the 5 types of drunk the islanders frequent themselves with. Dempsey believes that islander’s drunk moods depend entirely on their geographical positioning – for example, if you’re drunk in a field, you’re usually happier than you would be in a club.

He outlines his findings below:

1. The Festival Drunk

“There is no greater joy than being battered in a field or park, especially in Jersey as it’s a rare occasion. However, because of how rare these occasions are, islanders make no mistake in taking things too far almost immediately.”

“For example, I’m terrified of rides, they’re Satan’s coffins on wheels, but at a festival, I’m like:

“Fuck it Dan, I’m going to show that girl I like I’m a real man by going on the Waltzers.

“You just have to pray that your courage isn’t undermined by your stomach’s inability to keep down those 13 vodka soda limes you’ve just downed to actually gain the courage to get on the Waltzers.”

“Another classic drunk concept is that as soon as you enter the festival, you and your mates make this Powerpuff Girl friendship pact that you’ll remain together, forever. But then, your idiot friend Brian needs to go pee and there’s always a few in the group that are like:

“Ah, but man, dude, buddy I really wanna go see Gorilla Dump in the dance tent, we’ll meet you and Brian in there.”

“Yeah, fabulous idea dickhead, let’s all of us drunk fuckmugs try and find each other in a giant dark room with nothing but strobe lights and children on crack to guide us. Oh, and don’t answer your phone when I call mate, I fucking love that about you. You cunt.”

2. Pre-drinks Drunk

“Being pre-drinks drunk is like looking at yourself in the mirror after you’ve finished your gym session. You are, categorically, the best possible version of yourself, you will never look better than this. But then reality sets in, and you lose all your gains and have to go to Mimosa.”

“However, it remains a good drunk. You slowly transform from your 9-5 boring self to something far greater. Your confidence rises, you start liking people’s Instagram pics you wouldn’t usually like, and you’re edging closer to sliding into some sexy DMs before heading to town.”

“Once your designated leader (usually the owner of the gaff) screams the battle cry:

‘OI, EVERYONE, GET THE FUCK OUT

“It’s time to finish that booze, and this usually involves pouring a horrendous amount of rum into a small plastic bottle with a slither of coke. In the moment, this is a genius idea, but what follows is pure, agonising despair.”

3. Mimosa Drunk

“Arguably the most dangerous type of drunk.”

“Being club drunk is one thing, but being Mimosa drunk is something entirely different. Club drunk you just sort of wander, have a little flirt, maybe buy a few too many vodka soda limes and call it a day.”

“Mimosa drunk brings out the demons from your past. Just seen your ex on the d-floor? Go up to her and profess your love, or, have a go at her for finding her on Tinder and then not matching with you.”

“That bloke over there has a bigger chest than you? Go fight him, tell him his t-shirt is too tight and his trousers are too short – basically mate, cover your fucking ankles.”

“Not getting in because you’re too drunk or your shoes are racist? Hurl abuse at the bouncer, call him a cunt, then try and sneak round the back. Not getting in there either? Tell him you’re mates with the bouncer you’ve just called a cunt, then return to the front of Mimosa with the other bouncer and get banned for life.”

4. Day Drunk

“Similar to festival drunk, but usually happens in a more formal environment, which can turn sinister, fast.”

“There are two scenarios where day-drinking happens:

  • It’s someone’s birthday
  • It’s a work summer party
  • Your Dad’s BBQ has got incredibly out of hand

“The problem with day drinking is that it usually results in you and your horde of mutants frolicking to town and consequently ruining a good day. Why venture into town? All your friends are already with you— oh wait, there’s a microscopic chance you might get laid and cause a scene in the Yacht. Of course.

5. ‘Oh my god my ex is here’ Drunk

“Pre-drinks with the ex is always a laugh, everything’s civil at the beginning. You talk about the weather and how ‘well’ you both are, but once you’re 6 drinks down, Satan bursts through your brain’s front door and starts pissing on the carpet and setting fire to your treasured ‘nice memories with her’ blanket.”

“You approach her in the kitchen and it’s clear she’s been talking to her mates about that time you ditched her in Mimosa to go to some rad house party and now she’s digging up the past like an angry badger. The following conversation with the badger will not end well for you, escape the kitchen and return to the safe zone with your pals on the sofa. The badger will not approach a group of lads out of fear of pure awkwardness and World Cup talk.”

“But, that’s okay, because it’s coming home.

“It’s even funnier if you accidentally bump into them out. If you’re a bloke, you sort of puff out your chest like a sexual pigeon and lean on the bar, hoping she sees you looking all Ryan Gosling n’that. For a girl, they just sort of ignore you, or, want you to think they are, and then continue giggling and laughing, making you feel immensely paranoid and cripplingly alone.”


Honourable Mention: World Cup Drunk

“You’re drunk 24/7 because, it’s coming home.


Dempsey is attempting to find a way to combine all of these drunks to form some sort of ‘mega-drunk’ state, which he believes holds the cure to achieving god-like status and has the potential to find world peace.

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