ISLANDERS PANIC after realising Jersey offers nothing in cold weather
As September painfully draws to an end, islanders have been left wondering what the fuck is going to happen for the next ‘bit of time.’
In order to quell their nerves, island hero Blake Dempsey has given a brutal but honest outlook on what the future of the island holds:
“Summer is dead. No one has any plans for Halloween and winter is coming. I have taken it upon myself to highlight some typical Jersey things to do to pass the time.”
Instagram as much Bean Around the World coffee as is humanly possible
“Always guaranteed to get a few likes. The modern Jersey millennial adores hibernating in this wooden environment filled with cinnamon and skinny-fat fake milk bullshit fake cow vanilla bullshit pad Thai lattes. Once the millennial has ordered its coffee, it will usually find a stool near the window and gaze unto the electronics store, contemplating thoughts such as:
- why haven’t I been travelling yet?
- why do I still work in finance?
- why is there a Starbucks at the airport and nowhere else?
- why do I have to take out a mortgage to get a taxi to St Ouen?
2. Set up a permanent residence in Mimosa and The Yacht to drink away your ‘summer blues’
“Remember how awesome summer was?
No. Because once again, it was bang-average and every year we make up this shit that our summer is better than anywhere across the south coast of England. So, your next mission isn’t to get a tan down at Brelades, but to hunt down a winter fuck buddy in Mimosa like the sexual predator you are.”
3. Put on a ton of weight and reflect on your summer body on Instagram
‘Missing my summer abs #christmaspiggy’
Oh fuck off.
4. Get excited about the prospect of snow – end disappointed
“Anytime 103, Channel TV, or your daily fucking horoscope tells you that there’s a 12% chance of snow, the entire island goes all Walking Dead.
Co-op’s ordering 30 tonnes of canned food, the police are covering the northern parishes in salt and pritt-stick, everyone’s testing out their drifting skills in their Ford KA’s, and the kids with double-barrel surnames are buying Moncler ski jackets.
Oh, but obviously schools will stay open. Schools would stay open even if there was a fucking tsunami-earthquake covered in terrorism.”
5. Continue to remain stubborn about not paying to use the coat rack in any Jersey nightclub
“Because fuck you, I’d rather not wear a jacket into town than pay £1 to store my Moncler jacket in a cloakroom full of shit from Primark and New Look.”
6. All the men hit the gym and ‘bulk’
“Prime time for all the keen gym rats to put on as much weight as is physically possible before ‘shredding’ themselves down so that they resemble an aggressive cheese-grater.
Thing is, most of the time they eat to the point where they can’t recognise themselves, then they panic and start shredding immediately after the new year. Their aim goes from ‘bulking to get big and then mad-shred’ to ‘I must literally set myself on fire to burn off this fat holy fuck this is disgusting where has my ab gone fuck shit Rebecca won’t love me Johnny looks lean as fuck I wish I was Johnny no sugar diet for me forever #2018newyearnewme.'”
7. Go travelling and sign off with a Jersey Airport picture
“Fuck these people and their no rent, no responsibilities, monopoly money-earning salary. How the fuck do they have this much cash?
If all else fails, remind everyone that you’re leaving this god-forsaken island with the classic Jersey Airport sign-off picture that you ask mum to take as she weeps into the iPhone she doesn’t know how to use.”
Dempsey ended by stating that the only real things islanders can look forward to in winter is buying expensive coats from Roulette, reminiscing about travelling and swapping their Instagram bikini shots for coffee cups and stupid hats.