A man details the process of avoiding people in Jersey gyms
Going to the gym is a way of life. Everyone in Jersey needs to look stunning 24/7 in case there’s a chance of an impromptu shirt-take off. If you look shit, your friends will mock you behind your back and you’ll probably be cropped out of the Brelade’s Instagram pics, or they’ll have to use the sharpen and structure tool on Insta to locate your abs, pecs and delts.
Don’t do that to your friends.
Today, man of Jersey Blake Dempsey has investigated the social etiquette of the gym in order to uncover the best ways to avoid people in this sweaty pit of despair:
“So, I used to gym, but now I don’t gym, but for the sake of this journalistic investigation, I’ve started to gym again. #gym.”
“There are two types of gym people, those who gym alone and those who gym in pairs or packs, like shredded wolves. Regardless of your gym system, there are times when you just can’t be fucked to speak to other people.”
“As my Nan always said, the gym is where muscle is made, not friends.“
Gyming with the Squad: Entry
“Best part of the session. Upon entry, Bad Boys that shit and kick down the fucking doors to the gym – unless it’s at Carrefour, because they have those rotation doors. If this is the case, just smash a window, windows are just doors waiting to become doors, like a caterpillar to a butterfly #evolution #transformationtuesdays.“
“Swan up to the changing rooms and remain dead silent. Changing rooms are basically built for small talk, so, time to tear down that social architecture and make shit as awkward as possible.”
“Don’t even speak to your gym partner, you’re not really friends in the gym, they’re your competition, your enemy. Know who the winner is? The one who doesn’t waste breath on shit banter. Sprint to the free weights and start lifting shit you physically can’t. #physicaldominance”
Gyming Solo: Entry
“Headphones in, swipe the card, growl at the reception and trudge to the changing rooms. Clock no one, you see your mate from accounts on the bench press? Don’t wave, don’t distract him, they’re doing well, don’t be a prick.”
Changing Room Rules:
Keep your headphones on while in the changing room. Your t-shirt’s getting caught on the wire? Cut the shirt off, apply a new one.
Oh, you recognise someone? Turn your Post Malone playlist up.
- They’re trying to make eye contact? Face down into the gym bag, look for shit that doesn’t exist in there until they give up.
- They’re tapping you on the shoulder? Slam them in the jaw, then blind them with your whey protein.
Gyming with the Squad: What to Wear to Avoid People
“Gymshark, wear all of it.”
“Match with your squad or mate to become the best human you can be. The more Gymshark you and your gang wear, the less unique you’ll be, therefore, the less people will notice you. If you want to really step it up, buy the camouflaged shit, then try and rob a bank, it’ll probably fucking work.”
“Or, walk around wearing hoodies, this seems to be a thing people do now. It’s like everyone’s a boxer. Either way, it covers your hideous face and lack of muscle, so don that shit.”
Gyming Solo: What to Wear to Avoid People
“The problem with the gym is that you’re working to be noticed outside of the gym, and if you aren’t, you’re lying to yourself, or you enjoy going on those cycling machines. Either way, these are poor lifestyle choices – sort them out.”
“Gyming alone requires an outfit that’s discrete and ultimately undetectable. My recommendation? Again, it’s Gymshark.”
“Even if you aren’t with a gang, you’re bound to match with some other losers and you’ll sort of blend in with each other, like Rice Crispies.”
Things Not to Wear in the Gym
“Some people make it blatantly obvious that they want to be noticed, use this to your advantage and let them take the eye-sex away from you. Additionally, do not conform to their fashion.”
“The 3 main gym creatures who will draw attention to themselves and away from you are:
- The people who wear those G-string vests – you might as well just tie your fucking shoelaces around your chest, you mug.
- The people who wear hoodies and snapbacks – it’s a gym, it’s full of hot, sweaty people – the fuck are you cold? Have you not acclimatised to British weather?
- The people who wear jumpers with no sleeves – what the living fuck. Is it a jumper, or is it a vest? It’s like wearing a hi-vis jacket and camouflage – do you want to be seen or not, mate?
Gyming with the Squad: The Gym
“There’s always one person in the gym squad that fancies a fucking chat with every person he or she half-knows and it’s infuriating. They’ll spot some person they barely know from work and be all like:
“Sup Mark, how’s it going buddy-pal-mate? I’m just with my buddy-mate and we’re just chilling, lifting weights.”#matesweights #iamverystrong
“And they’ll have this incredibly aggressive handshake hug-fuck that’s awkward for everyone. All the while you’re just lying there on the bench trying not to be noticed and trying not to die.”
“The trick is to cut the balls off the alpha conversationalist of your group. As soon as they spot someone they know, throw a dumbbell at them, or speed up their treadmill. Make them know that the gym is for making you more sexually and physically appealing, not chatting mince about your night in Mimosa.”
Gyming Solo: The Gym
“This is easier as you’re not with any other humans that want to engage in social activity. Your headphones are your best friend here, smash on some Skepta or Stormzy and just lift shit and sprint hard.”
“If you’re unlucky, you’ll have some dude come up to you like:
“Hey man, how long are you going to be with those weights?”
Your response should echo something like:
“Oh sorry mate, probably a couple weeks, I actually planned on taking these back to my fucking house.”
“Like, how the fuck long do you think I’m going to be pal? You reckon I’m just ferrying these weights around for a laugh? Please leave me alone and please weight (#pun) until I’m #done.”
“Another question you need to hide from is:
“Oi mate, are you using those weights?”
“A question which is typically met with:”
“Nahhh mate, they just sort of fell off the dumbbell rack and into my hands.”
“In fairness, there are people who just pick up weights and leave them in different parts of the gym like some sort of dumbbell Easter egg hunt. These people must be stopped.”
Worst Case Scenario: Can you spot me, bro?
“Fuuucccckkkkkkk this question man. If I’m crawling through Instagram during my resting phase, I do not expect you to come up to me and ask if I can help you lift shit that isn’t going to directly benefit me. I have anxiety, I am going to drop that bench bar on your skull.”
“But, being British, you accept and just pray he or she doesn’t require your attention for too long. If they do, you’ve just made a friend – this was not part of the plan.”
“Next thing you know, you’re waving and smiling at them every time you enter the gym. Next thing you’re at their pre-drinks and you’re chatting about how much creatine you do or don’t need and why people wear those giant gym belts when they’re dead-lifting shit my non-existent 5 yr old son could bench.”
[Dempsey admitted that since publishing this article, he has bought shares into Gymshark and now hides in his room in case the strong people from the gym come for him in his sleep].