Islanders Shocked to Learn that ‘The Real Housewives of Jersey’ Are Not in Fact, Real

I’m unsure what will take longer to recover from, the socio-economic knock-on effects of a global pandemic, or this fucking show.

The Real Housewives of Jersey recently aired on ITV and has been met with mixed reviews. More shockingly, however, is that ex obtuse goose correspondent Blake Dempsey has agreed to a one-off interview relaying his thoughts on the series:

“Yeah alright, I agreed to do a Christmas special because I’m a nice guy, it definitely wasn’t because Dan broke both his arms and was unable to film my most recent episode go and watch it now. Think of my brief return to the obtuse goose as similar to when Luke Skywalker and Darth Vader team up to throw Darth Sidious down that never-ending energy pylon and save the world, but then go back to not speaking afterwards”.

“And I’m sorry but I can’t remain silent on this one, this is my island and it needs its hero, you know, the one it hates but, deserves“.

Dempsey claims that while the show is clearly a shameless Michael Bay cash-grab and a desperate attempt to boost Jersey’s plummeting tourism industry, it will cause irreparable damage to the island’s public image and reputation:

“What I want to know is who the fuck spearheaded that production meeting? Who went in and thought ‘how can we showcase Jersey in an appealing, honest and marketable light while boosting tourism?’

“And who went ‘let’s find the most improbable women on the island and broadcast their narcissism, debaucherous lifestyles and bang-average jetski skills’. That’ll resonate perfectly with our target audience of middle-class pensioners looking for a nice place to die'”.

Away from the series, Dempsey believes that Jersey has recently produced some fantastic content showcasing the island’s scenic marvels and inviting community:

“I’ve seen some wicked adverts promoting Jersey’s stunning locations, local produce and friendly community, a truly honest and humble reflection of the island’s hidden treasures – and now they’ve done a U-turn and unleashed a series focusing on a squad of questionably-aged women cackling over litres of Bollinger and indulging in their chlorine dependencies (that’s a joke about the plethora of swimming pools I’ve noticed)”.

“I saw a quote that said something like “don’t judge us, we still have feelings”, well pals, you should perhaps have thought of that before you went onto a show that’s blatantly designed to exploit your agonisingly elitist lifestyles and warped views on reality. That’s like signing up for Ex on the Beach and then kicking off when your ex erupts from the sea like a German submarine”.

Blake continued, claiming that he will now have to spend the rest of his days justifying this programme and correcting its inaccurate representations of island life:

“Now, all my friends from the real world (the UK and essentially every other continent) will know us as the pricks that agreed to have these somewhat suspect individuals represent our beautifully average island. It took years for Essex to rebuild their morale and public image after ‘The Only Way is Essex’, and now Jersey will undoubtedly suffer the same slow, painful death”.

“I mean, it’s not as if we’ve had a rough year, with the pandemic and those two trees that fell over somewhere in St Martin in December. And I’m still unsure what will take longer to recover from, the socio-economic knock-on effects of a global pandemic, or this fucking show”.

“I miss yesterday, when Jersey was remembered for Bergerac. I fucking loved Bergerac. In fact, Bergerac offered a far more accurate representation of island life in just one episode, than the inadequately prepared researchers/writers did in an entire series, and that’s saying something. That’s because in one Bergerac scene, they drive through the tunnel and exit out somewhere out in Trinity. That is still more plausible than the cast thinking that their otherwise respectable careers won’t plummet after this torturous exposure to the media”.

Of course, Blake realises that there are some positives to come out of the show:

“Oscar Wilde once said that “there is only one thing in life worse than being talked about, and that is not being talked about”, and I’m sorry Oscar, mate, but you’re wrong on this one. For Jersey’s tourism industry and reputation to survive, we need to bring an end to this series before it’s able to mutate faster than the second COVID strain”.