I have a mint condition Charizard I’d like to exchange for a Fosters
Islanders must be fully aware that Blake Dempsey has not been as active as of late, and again, he can only apologise for the lack of communication with both The Obtuse Goose and the island as a whole.
However, he’s returned with some tasty thoughts on his favourite weekend of the year:
“I’ve got nothing but respect for the team that bang out this festival every year, it brings me, my friends and my family together – all of which are alcoholics, so it really is a cherished occasion for us”.
“Everything about the festival looks bang-on, as it does every year.. and I’m even more impressed by their new token system”.
A popular topic islanders have been talking about is the ‘token system’, which seems to have sparked debate among several social media channels:
“From what I gather, you swap money for these tokens? Seems simple enough… but I do have a few questions that I, and several thousands of islanders would like to address (and I will answer):
Question 1: How many tokens should I buy if I don’t know how much I’d like to spend?
“It’s all well and good only buying what you think you’ll need, but how the fuck am I supposed to know when I’ll want a drink? That’s like asking how many times I’ll need to piss, I don’t fucking know pal, will I need a token for that too?…
“Basically, I can’t be fucked to witness four beautiful pints of fosters to be poured, only to realise I need an extra token and one of those mushrooms from Super Mario”.
Question 2: Will tokens destroy my inherent generous nature?
“I’m specifically talking about getting a round in for the boys”.
“I’ll get a round in- – – oh wait, sorry I’ve only got 4 tokens and a rizzla, what can I get with that? A pint and a 3/4 of Fosters? Can you not just round that up to a full pint? No? Fuck it mate, why not just take one of my kidneys as a part-exchange?”
Question 3: Do tokens just apply to drinks? Or for the rest of my life?
“I wouldn’t be surprised if I turned up to a tent only to be refused entry because I do not hold the right amount of tokens to enter the area”.
“Sorry pal, you need 60 tokens to enter the Dance Tent… and the head of a dragon”.
“I mean that would introduce a whole new game– I’VE HAD AN IDEA.
“I reckon they should set tasks for us to do at the festival in order to gain tokens, I’ve come up with some exceptional ideas on the bus:
- Rob a child’s shoe – 10 tokens
- Fight a security guard – 20 tokens (if you win – 50 tokens)
- Joust with someone on the dodgems – 30 tokens
- Go down that big slide on your knees and suffer third degree burns – 40 tokens
- Give Lewis Capaldi a cuddle on stage – 100 tokens
Question 4: …What do you mean by ‘tokens’?
“I’ll level with you lot, basically, I’ve had this mint condition Charizard lying under my bed for ages and I’ve been informed by a reliable source (some bloke I met in a van once) that it’s worth 50 tokens. This will apparently buy me 4 pints of Fosters and a shot of ‘Disappointment’, which I hear is a new shot they’re introducing”.
Pre-Drinks & Old School Tactics Being Employed
Some islanders (Blake included) have taken matters into their own hands and boycotted the token scheme, falling back on ‘old school tactics’.
“Every year, as you all now know, me and the boys have a mad pre-drinks before this beloved festival. Usually a couple beers are batted around, we take the piss out of Dave’s mum and her exceptional pins and then we mosey down to the festival.
“This year however, I’m just going to get absolutely battered from 10am onwards and hope that the 36 bottles of Budweiser see me through till the early hours of the morning. Me and the boys are terrible at holding our drink, I actually once urinated myself whilst operating a dodgem. This is now everyone’s problem (unless you accept my Pokemon cards).
“Basically, this is going to be amazing fun for all those involved”.
Can Someone Please Tell Me When My Boy Lewis Capaldi is On?
“More of a personal one, but when the fuck is Lewis on? He’s basically the Emperor of the UK at the moment, so if you’ve got him playing at like 2pm, I swear to God I’ll… I’ll be really upset and probably kick a bin on the way out of the festival”.
“Yes, I have been called ‘mental’ by several of my mum’s friends”.
And… One Final Question
“Where’s the rest of the money going from the unused tokens?
…I reckon Pokemon cards”.