TINDER DEEMED too dangerous to have on the island, sources claim
Overlord Alan clung to an oxygen mask as he professed:
“Tinder must be banned, it’s fucking ruthless on this island. Also, where are Madness? This is Madness.”
To get a more detailed understanding of why Tinder is so poisonous in Jersey, we attended Blake Dempsey’s pre-drinks to get an idea of how the app is used and why many people fear its presence.
“I downloaded it after my girlfriend left me for not wanting to watch Ex On The Beach for the 5th hour in a row.”
According to Blake, matching people within your social circle is the most commonly feared trend, Blake went on to recount his traumatising experience:
“As soon as I downloaded the app, I was immediately presented with a girl mate of mine…
“What the actual fuck am I expected to do in this scenario? If I don’t swipe right and she does, I’m a vain twat, if I do swipe right and we don’t match, I’ll be proper judging her next pre-drinks and doing my utmost to impress her, even though I have no sexual intentions. But, because I’m a nice guy, I’d usually swipe right to be polite, but what if we match? What if deep down she loves me? Pre-drinks would turn into a game of sexual eye tennis and I’m not Roger Federer. I’m shit.”
After Blake’s panic attack, he admitted that if a girl he knows does appear on Tinder, he just closes the app and re-opens it, hoping that she disappears.
“If I do match someone that I don’t immediately know, this doesn’t mean I’m in the clear either. I have to do a full Facebook investigation, confirm they’re real, make sure they’re not somehow related to my friends and ensure they’re not already dating some Fort Regent Gym psycho that’ll break my legs if I look in her general direction.”
“Then you’ve got sober Tinder dates in Jersey, which is basically like attending a swingers party – sure, you may like the person sitting in front of you, but there’s a chance they’ve already slept with someone in your immediate proximity. Probably your mate.”
Blake’s friend Dan tells us that using Tinder when drunk is an incredibly dangerous game to play, describing how the app ‘turns good men, cruel.’ Dan also let us in on Blake’s Tinder dark side, branding him ‘a fucking snake’ as soon as he’s 3 vodka soda limes down:
“He can’t be trusted. I saw him chatting to some girl that I got with in Liquid back in ’09. I said it was fine, but deep down, I think I still love her.”
Dan told us that Blake’s defence was that he fears he may ‘run out of people to sleep with in Jersey.’
It appears that meeting new people in Jersey is essentially impossible. Tinder may help you discover people, but it will not help you outrun your shady past:
“People say that ‘the past is the past’ when in fact, the past is not the past, not in Jersey. The past is very much the fucking present because everyone keeps bringing it up.”