THE WEEKENDER has crash-landed on Jersey to remind islanders that there is still fun in the world
Jersey Live was sort of like Gandalf the Grey.
We loved him, and he sacrificed himself so that his loyal following would live to see another day, even though he knew his untimely death would really piss off Frodo and his mates.
Alas, they had to believe that things could only get better, and they did. In a mere matter of months, the Weekender Festival was born, a festival-manifestation of Gandalf the White, a reborn, stronger and better version of his previous self.
The only real difference is that Gandalf the Grey went out with dignity, whereas Jersey Live went out with as much grace and elegance as a man backing his car into the entire peloton of the Tour de France.
Upon hearing the news that the Weekender Festival would essentially be replacing Jersey Live, we wondered into King Street to get the public’s opinion:
“Fucking too right.” Howled an ecstatic Blake Dempsey, as he aggressively blew on a whistle, dressed in a lime green tutu and a pink Topman vest.
“We needed this, and I love the absolute sass of the Weekender. They’re like that guy your girlfriend tells you not to worry about. First you’re all like, ‘I’m Jersey Live, nothing will ever replace me’, then without notice, Barclays destroy your life-savings, punch you in the skull, and laugh as all your dreams crumble to dust… And just when you think life couldn’t slap you in the face anymore, you see the ambiguous figure of the Weekender hurtling towards you with venom and justice, as it impolitely square-on punts you so hard into the Earth’s core that Earth’s axis needs physically replacing.
“We must now obey the demands of the glorious Weekender Festival, like Jesus, but if Jesus hosted music festivals.. which I’m sure he did at some point, until Judas plagirised his tracks and killed him.”
Despite Dempsey’s subtle bitterness, he claims Jersey Live will forever hold a soft spot within his dark, corrupted, onyx heart.
There is still unrest amongst the camps, however, with many islanders debating whether the Weekender Festival will be able to fill Jersey Live’s enormous…shoes. Gemma Reese is one of many who are anxious about the replacement:
“I hope it’s family friendly. The music can’t be too loud, and there must be a wine garden and an area where my children may graze, like sheep.”
“I will not stand for queues, or anyone under the age of 30 having fun or dancing to the music. Festivals are for families, Harve des Pas have felt the crack of the politically correct whip, therefore so should the Weekender. I swear, if there isn’t a suitable place I can park my 2-seater buggy, I’m running straight to HR on Monday morning with a complaint, several spelling errors and capital letters to exaggerate my distress.”
There has also been many tent concepts thrown around amidst the Weekender’s landscape design. Though, rumours are circulating that there will be a tent solely dedicated to Jersey’s most popular drink, vodka-soda-lime. You can even order this soulless bitch-poison for free, the only catch is that you have to accept a full-on, no bullshit, slap in the face by the biggest man in your immediate 20-metre vicinity.
All in all, this is great news for Jersey, as it looks as if the island has finally picked up its cape of fun and creativity to fight another day. One can only pray that the Weekender lives up to expectations.
Upon hearing the news of a revamp, reports claim that Overlord Alan has put aside £500 million to ensure that Madness will be headlining Saturday’s main stage act. He issued this statement: