What Jersey Really Needs Is Another Finance Building

JERSEY REMIND everyone how much they love finance with its new, massive, mega-finance building

As the Overlords of Jersey gleefully built a finance building that looked like every other finance building ever built in the finance industry, islanders were left wondering why this finance building was even financed in the first place.

Before its construction, many islanders were optimistic over what the car park would be replaced with. Concepts of parks, entertainment centres, bars and even putting money into Sport, Education and Culture were thrown around.

Until, of course, the Overlords of Jersey bust down the doors of the ‘sensible ideas’ house party with their iron fist of numbers and reports. After replacing everyone’s fun drinks with sparkling water, and their party food with plastic fruit, they bellowed this genius statement:

“We, the Overlords of Jersey, believe that listening to the opinions of the tax-paying public is morally right. So, with that in mind, we have decided to ignore the public’s opinion, and replace the car park with the literally the only thing worse than a car park; a finance centre.”

As we dragged ourselves around King Street for some insight into what the public makes of this renovation, it was clear that the opinions were largely divided. One islander gave the following statement:

“If disappointment could be projected into a physical form, this is exactly how I’d expect it to look. It’s also right outside my window, staring at me everyday, reminding me of my wasted potential.”

Whereas other islanders seem to love the renovation:

“I love it, but then again, I’ve worked in finance for 12 years and I adore the colour grey. Plus, the grey colour matches my dead, grey soul.”

As we ventured down towards the market, we were able to pry an islander by the name of Blake Dempsey from his barrage of suited friends for a quick chat regarding the new finance building:

“One ‘sec, I’m eating…

“Yeah, so who’s fucking idea was it to build the fat, stumpy brother of The Eye of Sauron in the middle of the Esplanade Car Park?”

“I mean seriously, where has it come from? I was in my office, working like the bitch-dog I am, when I optimistically decided to check the time on my desktop monitor…

“The clock read 12:38, so I thought ‘well, it’s basically lunch, I can’t concentrate now because I’ve convinced myself that it’s lunch, so I might as well waste 12 minutes preparing to get ready to leave the office for 12:50, so that I can walk incredibly slowly down to the front door, so that I technically leave the office at 1pm for my hourly lunch that I will rinse for every fucking second it’s worth, before reluctantly returning to floor 6 of Satan’s grey prison.'”

“Upon returning to my desk and completing more bits of paper, I looked out of my window, and low and behold, this colossal structure had suddenly appeared during my lunch break. I’m also pretty sure I parked in the Esplanade this morning. This Thursday is mental, no wonder people drink on Thursdays.”

As we attempted to leave, it was clear Dempsey wasn’t finished, claiming that he had another ‘brilliant plan’ for the Overlords of Jersey to consider:

“In fact, I’ve got another great idea. You know that police station we have? Yeah, well, instead of renovating the current establishment, let’s move it somewhere else, because it’s not like it’s already in the most appropriate place, no, let’s move it down the road to the busiest part of the fucking island. OH OH! And! Let’s put it right opposite the roundabout, you know, the one with the utterly pointless traffic lights, zebra crossings and ‘give way’ systems no one knows how to fucking use, oh, and a tunnel.

“Yes, yes this is perfect, because ambulances and emergency services definitely won’t have any problems throttling it through there during the 5pm rush hour when another poor student that’s been forced into the finance industry attempts to staple his own face onto boardroom notice board just for a glimmer of approval and recognition. That’s a phenomenal idea, let’s do that-

Oh, wait.”