“Yes, We F*cking Hate Coach Parties” – Claim Jersey Pub Owners

COACH PARTIES make Jersey pub owners incredibly sad, sources reveal

Whilst many islanders love them, many pub owners see coach parties as a direct representation of Satan himself. We were lucky enough to interview Dan, a pub owner, who has experienced the ravenous nature of coach parties first-hand:

“I manage a pub down in St Martin, that I will not name out of genuine fear… It was such a frightful event, my family and my children will never forget it… the experience will forever stay with me…

“It began on a quiet Saturday, my pub was essentially empty, apart from Jared and Dave who sit in the corner and drink heavily for 365 days of the year. So, there I was, minding my own business when I heard a faint screaming in the distance, and as it neared, I heard Skrillex’s Bangarang pulsating through the darkness. I opened the curtains of my delightful pub to witness a monstrous bus lacing it down the road, filled top-to-bottom with savages, dressed as cartoon characters.”

“I ran to try and bar the gates, but it was too late.”

“Spongebob kicked down the door and demanded 40 Sambucas, The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air swooned in and attempted to sleep with my wife, Snow White was arm-wrestling with Liverpool fans, whilst Mario and Luigi casually beat the shit out of Batman in the corner.”

“Who came up with this fucking idea!?”

It is clear that pub owners despise coach parties, so much so, that they’re willing to sacrifice earning their year’s wages in the space of an hour, in favour of not letting the modern barbarians into their pubs.

Some pubs however, refuse coach parties out of some sort of moral compass. Blake Dempsey brands himself as one of the ‘maturer’ coach party people and claims that too many times has he been left feeling betrayed and infuriated by these killjoy pubs. He has since spoken on behalf of the coach party people:

“What do they think we’ll do? Burn the fucker to the ground? We can’t be bothered with that shit, I just want to enjoy a pint dressed as Cinderella, is that too much to ask?”

He walked us through how he books the coach parties:

“I’ll call up, all polite and that, asking if me, Rozzle and Nozzle can bring a few good men and women to their pub for a good old-fashioned chinwag. As soon as I mention the words ‘coach party’ they fall to their knees in fear, some even disintegrate into ash on the floor.”

“It’s as if they think we’re the Peaky fucking Blinders.”

Dempsey claims this tactic rarely works, so he’s been hard at work forging a new one:

“Basically, it’s just easier to lie to them. Claim that you’re 52 and it’s your wedding anniversary, older people are less threatening, apparently.”

“If anything, lying to them makes your night even better. The look on the driver’s face when they see a mountain of Teletubbies sprinting towards the coach, armed with Jack Daniels and testosterone confined in a Lucozade bottle is a sight greater than all 7 wonders of the world.”

It’s clear that all coach parties make fancy dress a compulsory rule, so we asked Dempsey what the dressing-up fuss was about. We were met with a look of utter disgust:

“Think of it this way, you’ve spent £200 hiring out a coach for the night with the main aim to get pissed. Why would you pretend that you’re respectable humans by dressing respectably? Plus, the clubs have this hilariously flawed logic that they’ll allow in 40 people dressed as ninjas, pirates and animals, but if they catch you wearing £160 Nike trainers – that you won’t even wear because of how nice they are – the bouncers will not just contact every club in Jersey, but every club in Europe, the police, your family and the Queen just to let them know that you’re a scumbag because you’re not wearing £20 shoes from Burton.”

Dempsey summarised why he believes pub owners and bouncers alike hate the concept of coach parties:

“The people that refuse you entry to these clubs and pubs based on what you’re wearing are the same people that turned up to school on Fancy Dress Day in their school uniform…

“Twats.”

Comments

comments