Quelle surprise, another poorly-organised new years event beckons
As new year fast approaches, the familiar gut-punch of fear, loneliness and desperation rears its ugly head for one last ‘hurrah’ before January 1st.
It is no secret that our journalists have been somewhat AWOL because people’s champ, Blake Dempsey, hasn’t been seen since his disappearance at Jersey Live.
However, quelle suprise, we were able to locate Blake Dempsey in the middle of St Helier frantically shopping for a last-minute new years outfit. We gently approached as to not startle him and politely asked him what his plans were for new year:
“Oh, so now you want to interview me? But when I was kicked out of Jersey Live for cracking on with Lewis Capaldi and sacked from Nude Food for taking the name a bit too literally, you were nowhere to be seen? Well… fine, it just so happens my crippling loneliness has made me even more desperate for attention and social approval, so here I am, legs open, what do you want from me?”
After having a haircut, a shave and bathing him in Liberation Square, he became more cooperative:
“There are three options islanders will be considering today, and I’m ready to dismantle all of them and kick-off the new year in terrible fashion”.
Option 1a – Civilised drinks at a house ‘gathering’
“All my mates are shacked up with their partners, have been for a few years now, so that adds to the increasingly likelihood of a shit new years. So, I’ve been invited to this “wine party”, and it’s black tie and the hidden, unsaid requirement is you must bring your partner. I’m lonely as fuck, even my dog Nigel can’t stand me, and without me, he’d genuinely be dead, I mean seriously he’s such an ungrateful runt”.
“Anyway, I can’t bring my dog.”
But what you have to understand is that walking into to this middle-class facade and seeing my mate Fat Neck (otherwise known as Geoffrey to his mum and poisonous girlfriend), be forcibly shoved into a suit like those people that make their dogs wear socks and skirts is like watching your favourite pub burn down while you sit in your car wanking and crying. It’s really hard to take, especially because on Boxing Day I saw him railing cocaine off his nephew’s Nintendo Switch”.
“I guess if I go, I’ll just have to sit across the table and watch as he struggles to explain the difference between Merlot and Malbec. Sure, it might be entertaining for a while, but you can only watch a bear juggle sticks of dynamite for so long until you feel sorry for it or it explodes and the facist crowd jeer and laugh into their £13 bottles of Cava”.
Option 1b – Uncivilised drinks at a house party
“That’s the spirit, tell your angelic mum who would literally die for you to stay locked in her room while you and your degenerate friends spill wine on the new carpet and talk about how “this year will be different” because you’re finally going to take that PT course you postponed in favour of smashing lines in town and underperforming in your career”.
“And if you’re not hosting but going to a house party, there’s probably a theme, there’s always a fucking theme. What is it this year? Disney? 80s? 90s? 20s? Boring, How about someone just straps on a pair and hosts a swingers party or makes the theme BDSM or renowned war criminals and serial killers? Think outside the box, people”.
“Fuck the theme, I’m going as a what I plan to become next year, ‘increasingly lonely’, so basically, I won’t be attending”.
Option 2 – The original, the classic “let’s go to town lads”
“Islanders love paying over the odds to get into a place they’d usually avoid at all costs, iconic Jersey mentality. I’d just like to take a second and spell something out to people considering town:
“WHY ARE YOU PAYING FOR A TICKET TO A CLUB YOU WOULD OTHERWISE ACTIVELY AVOID TO MEET PEOPLE YOU DISLIKE FOR A FEE THAT COULD BUY YOU A ONE WAY TICKET TO ALMOST ANYWHERE IN EUROPE?”
“I hear people saying things like “yeah I won’t be going to town, but it’s a good ‘safety net’ in case our initial plans go wrong”.
“Yeah, if your safety net is a den of poisonous snakes and angry UKIP supporters”.
“Sure, town will be busy, but you know what else was busy? The Black Hole of Calcutta, and that didn’t look like fun (and you didn’t have to pay £100 to get in)”.
Option 3 – Resign to a lonely night with five bottles of Sauvignon blanc
“Classy and mature? Or cripplingly lonely?”
“That’s the spirit, accept the fact that new years is a product of consumer culture and resign yourself to Love Island Winter Edition and your own crippling loneliness. You’re safe here, safe in your flat with your heating on incredibly high“.
“Regardless of what your initial plans are, you will all end up in town whether you like it or not”.
“Oh, I’m just going to pop to town to grab a lift and some food”
“Yeah right Michelle, I know you’ll make a b-line for The Yacht as soon as you hear Enrique Iglesias banging out ‘Hero’ as you watch your ex snake off with a junior accountant”.
Blake also admitted that he has been working on something special to unveil to islanders in the coming months:
“I’ve not just been sitting in my room playing Call of Duty and watching Mr Robot for three months, I’ve actually been cracking the Da Vinci Code and by that I mean trying to work from home and not die alone”.
“No, I won’t say what I’ve got planned, but what I will say is that I won’t be relying on you journalists or this website for my own fame and gratification. I’m doing a Robbie Williams, a Zane Low, a Harry Styles, a Liam Payne a Niah Whore-ann, a.. what’s the other one called.. Dave?
“Anyway I’m riding solo like Jason Derulo, and I’m bringing fire back to this island and I can’t wait to be sued for defamation and gross misconduct”.
“See you on the other side.. as in see you next year, I’m not dying”.