This isn’t going to hurt, because we’re wearing headgear
Jersey’s annual White Collar Boxing has returned to the fray once more.
Man of the town Blake Dempsey, although being physically present at the past three events, narrowly and begrudgingly missed out on this year’s competition.
However, being the facetious, cynical bastard he is, Dempsey managed to get hold of some social media footage and has chosen to provide an analysis of the evening’s events:
“White Collar Boxing is like Jersey’s own version of the Met Gala. Every man and his nan seem to derive joy from watching their friends, family and loved ones attempt to beat the living daylights out of their work colleagues to raise money for charity…
“I mean yeah, makes sense, I’m invested”.
“I took away five things from this year’s event, and I’m going to talk about them now”.
“Be prepared for some strong opinions and I’ll prepare for more angry messages littering my inbox”.
“Let’s get ready to rummmbbllleeee– shuttt upppp”.
1. People in Business Cannot Fight
“Yes, I’d like to take a minute to talk about… the standard“.
“Don’t get me wrong, I’m not a fighter. I am a lover, and I couldn’t get in that ring and swing my weight around in front of thousands of bankers and chavs in Burton suits, it’d be like watching a walrus hopelessly defend its young from The Terminator”.
“But honestly, from what I witnessed through Instagram and other social media channels, the standard was criminal. I’d actually go as far to say that I’ve witnessed higher standards of fighting in Sandstreet car park at 2am on a Sunday”.
“I saw one fight (poorly filmed) that was more reminiscent of two long lost friends hugging for 6 minutes”.
“You know like when soldiers go away and their wives film them coming back home to their dog who hasn’t seen them in years and the dog goes fucking mental? That is exactly how a large percentage of the fights played out, lots of erratic hugging“.
“Although this was touching, a boxing ring is not the right platform to embrace and reminisce”.
“I want blood, torment and fractured ribs”.
2. Some People Truly are Blood-Lusting Maniacs
“I know people are going to say things like:
“You’re so insensitive Blake, these people aren’t professional boxers and they’re doing this for a great cause, it’s just a bit of fun“.
“A bit of fun would be doing a sponsored walk across the island. A bit of fun would be absailing down a big rock in Trinity or a building in St Helier. A bit of fun is running the Durrell Dash with Henry Cavill (I genuinely beat him in 2016 by the way – fuck you Superman)”.
“You are not going to tell me that every single person who took part in the White Collar Boxing was doing it ‘for fun’. Sure, they were doing it for charity, and I respect that, that’s some strong moral compass right there..
“People also want to prove to their friends that under their soft, doughy personality, they could beat you up if you purposely skipped your drinks round at The Yacht”.
“Boxing is not a ‘fun’ way to raise money. It is a contact sport where two people are pitched against each other in an arena to demonstrate who would kill the other if push came to shove. Honestly, even a fucking paintball match would have been more humane”.
“Boxing is not a sport you can lackadaisically (not a word) jump into and ‘just sort of wing it’. It isn’t badminton, everyone is good at badminton. This is boxing, if you’re shit, people are going to see that, people are going to see that immediately“.
“At the end of the day, Mark from Human Resources wants to prove to the girl in marketing that he genuinely likes her. So, he seeks to prove himself through mercilessly beating another man (probably from marketing) to a pulp”.
“Good old Darwinism”.
3. The ‘Training’…
“Gotta be careful what I say here, because a few of my good friends are PTs and boxing trainers, so I’ll try and clip my snake tongue..
“Where the fuck were these people trained? The school for the fucking blind?”
“Maybe I’m being a bit of a dick, but believe me when I say that the amount of videos I saw of people training and looking hard as nails on Instagram was astounding. It was all I witnessed for two months. I saw one dude get so into it that he tried to bite the punching bag, Mike Tyson style”.
“Oh, you have a new pair of boxing gloves? Let’s make a 47 snippet story on Instagram tagging all the fucking influencers you think you know”.
“Now, I shall recall a conversation I had with one of my friends who was training:
Me: “Dan, you coming out tonight?”
Dan: “Sorry bud, not drinking, ‘gotta train”.
Me: “We’re not going out drinking, we’re seeing Avengers Endgame”.
Dan: “Sorry, can’t come, I’m just worried that people will mistake me for Captain America now that I’ve been boxing for 2 and a half weeks“.
“Why do people instantly drop everything in their lives for this?”
“You’re so thoughtless Blake, people want to give this their all, they’re trying to better themselves, why can’t you understand that?”
“Well, if they put their money where their mouth was and didn’t end up fighting like a bunch of drugged up kittens wearing fucking oven mits then I’d understand the dedication to the cause and the justified lack of social life”.
4. The Song Choices
“Now, this is a personal dig, so I’ll accept backlash, but who the fucking christ decided to walk out to One Direction?
“Who was it?”
“If I was in the arena and witnessed my opponent walk out to One fucking Direction, I’d only have to whisper in his ear that his dog is ugly, and his sensitive little soul would crumble in seconds. Might write a banging Top 40 single though”.
“It’s just a bit of fun Blake, people can play what they want, why are you being so cynical?“
“Playing One Direction at somewhere like a wedding is (pathetic) totally acceptable, because they’re a cheery, melancholic kinda band (sort of). Also, I don’t plan on walking down the aisle and beating my wife to a pulp”.
“Don’t get me wrong, I love the concept of walking out to your own tunes, I personally like the idea of playing something fucking sinister, like walking out to the Thomas and the Tank Engine theme”.
“Choo Choo, bitch”.
“Choo-choo-choosing your own theme song is pretty damn inspiring. I think that would be the only reason I’d jump into White Collar Boxing, so I could play the most ridiculously manly song that doesn’t fit my personality whatsoever”.
We asked Blake what song he’d like to walk out to:
Lady Gaga – Poker Face – Get him with the ‘bluffin and my muff(in)
ACDC – Highway to Hell – Because one of us is going there tonight
Damien Rice – Cannonball – I’ll be making his face float like a cannonball (I’m going to punch his face off)
“Some people take the song part of the boxing very seriously. I’m pretty sure one guy created an entire mixtape to walk out to. Took like 45 minutes. This bloke genuinely felt like he was doing laps around Fort Regent”.
“Again, the majority of people jump in the ring for a good reason, but some people just want to know how they would fare in an actual fight. I, on the other hand, do not need to know how I’d fare in a fight. Someone in year 11 could probably beat the shit out of me..
…unless I had a gun..
..then I’d just pepper the little runt”.
5. Photos, Photos, Photos, PHOTOS
“I’m not being cynical when I say that big Dan just wants a new profile picture to show off his left tricep to the lads and some girl he’s chirpsing on Tinder”.
“Look, Dan, I know that left hook looks impressive on Instagram, but Steve sent me a video in which I witnessed you completely miss his skull, which resulted in your left kidney taking a trip to ‘I can’t piss anymore town'”.
“I actually overheard a conversation in Mimosa with my idiot friend Dan, this is how it went:
“Hey, Dan, I saw you fight in the White Coll–
“HAVE YOU SEEN MY TRICEP IN THIS PHOTO?”
“Honestly, this was like the Jersey Christmas parties all over again. People just cannot put down their fucking phones. I saw one Instagram story that had what looked like 643 story snippet videos, and all that I learned from that video was that this person should never, ever be allowed to film anything ever again”.
“Why? Because not only did it look as though it was filmed on a potato, but it was followed by this series of words:
“AYYYYYOO GAAAOOO EMMZZYY! PUNCH HER IN THE FOoOooKEN CRAWTCH!”
“Call me old fashioned, but that is some terrible advice“.
“If you punch someone in the crotch while boxing, you will get disqualified. I can sort of understand the screaming and cheering, you’re rooting for your pal, no problem, but don’t offer them advice that’s going to see them get instantly disqualified“.
“That’s just needless, you do realise this is for charity… right?”
Dempsey admits that while he did have a few personal (and severely twisted) problems with the boxing, he understands the bigger picture:
“All things considered, this is a fucking epic event. It’s great to witness islanders come together and scrap out to raise money for good causes. Takes balls, takes heart and a shit tonne of perseverance and work”.
“You’re all heroes in my eyes, even you, Dan, you useless spaghetti-armed clown”.
…if I go to attend next year and hear someone walk out to ONE DIRECTION I will personally get into that ring and PUNCH THEM IN THE FoO0oKEN CRAAWTCCH“.
(i would not do that i am an absolute pussy).