An Idiot’s Guide to Jersey’s ‘The Weekender’ Festival

AN IDIOT describes his journey at The Weekender festival

Despite the death of Jersey Live, Jersey sobered up fairly sharpish and delivered a decent replacement for the legendary fest that pitches families and children against drunk men dressed as pirates.

As always, we want info on what’s going down in Jersey. So, we plucked-out someone who went to The Weekender for a quick chat about how it squared-up against Jersey Live.

Blake Dempsey relayed his thoughts:

“Well, I mean, it was exactly the fucking same wasn’t it.”

“…Which was fucking awesome, because why change what ain’t broke?”

Dempsey went on to describe the process he and his mutant friends undergo every year:

“So, obviously I host mad pre-drinks every year with the mandem. However, what made them even better this year was that I brought my wheelie chair down from my room and was therefore, able to skate around my patio with a rum and coke while blasting out Katy Perry’s new tune.

“Hashtag fuck Tay Tay Swift.”

“Right, the pre-drinks process. So, we usually say we will use the time at pres to scope out the map for the festival – where we’ll go, what we’ll be doing and what acts we’ll be seeing.”

“But, we all know that once it hits around 4/5pm, all that shit goes out the window, and the real mission is to get through security without wondering what section of your skull your eyeballs have fucked-off to.”

We then asked Dempsey to highlight some of the things that were different about The Weekender:

“Well, I mean I’m pretty sure shit was in different places this year.”

“Like, usually I look at the map before I head to JL, just to scope-out the Dance Tent to ensure I stay well the fuck away from it, then I spend my month’s wages on the Waltzers and try to befriend the guy who works there, so that he spins me so fucking hard that Hurricane Irma seems like a desk fan, which then leaves me gassed in the hospitality tent, which is where I go to rob all the St John’s Ambulance pens and shit.”

“But yeah, I’m sure I’d have respected the new layout. But then again, I could look at the layout of the festival 30 times but never remember what parish I’m in, let alone where the different hipster tents are.”

Dempsey did claim that there was a ‘shit ton’ more scumbag teenagers this year, and feared he may get ‘dashed’ by some of them, specifically ones wearing snapbacks:

“I’m getting to the age now where I can’t tell who’s 35 and who’s 16, and that’s fucking dangerous, because I don’t know which one I can punch if they spill their vodka soda limes on me.”

“Plus, it seemed as though all these teenagers were a lot ‘harder’ than me. The baddest thing I ever did when I was 17 was ping a rubber at some cunt’s eye in Geography. Which to be fair, sparked my mad Call of Duty career.”

Sunday did – as Dempsey stated – ‘throw a dick at the happy vibes’, as it brought Jersey’s own personal hurricane – to which Dempsey named:

“Mad Bitch Storm.”

“Yeah, Sunday was looking diabolical. Me and the mandem were sitting in my conservatory listening to Blunterz (James Blunt) and trying to remember who Two Door Cinema Club were, when Zeus just threw down a shit ton of wind and rain.”

“I mean, I’m all for a muddy festival, but only a certain type of mud, the kind of mud that makes for a sick cover photo on Facebook, the mud that only gets on certain parts of my clothing and doesn’t make me look like Muk from Pokemon.”

Dempsey did admit that the weather did not ruin his day, as he found some bin bags that he could cover his lil’ feet in.

He ended by stating that The Weekender was a huge success, and has huge respect for the event… but claims that if it decides to run from its responsibilities like Jersey Live did, he’ll ‘kick bins:’

“I can’t be having another festival do a Usain and Bolt from me. There needs to be trust.”

“Also, where the fuck were Madness this year?”