How Do I Stop the Screaming Baby on the Plane? – #markandjez

Having some serious trouble here guys..

I’m currently on a business trip to Dubai and I’ve realised there’s a child on board. I asked to be moved to first class but they said my reason was ‘illegitimate.’  I’ve tried ‘zoning out’ but the noise is too much. It’s just needless noise, this child has nothing to worry about in life. You didn’t see that Lizard on Planet Earth bitching when it was being chased by 5,000 hell-snakes.

This child is no exception.

I’ve got six hours of this torture to endure, and my Beats Headphones can’t block out its Nazgul-esq screeching. What do I do?

– Humphrey Jenkins

Replied: 03/12/2016

Hi … Humphrey,

‘Thing is with babies is that they’re selfish and generally quite stupid. They don’t really grasp the concept of ‘not being a twat’ until they hit around 8. By that time you can train them to do stuff, and if they do cry, usually it’s for a legit reason, such as dropping an ice-cream or seeing a clown for the first time.

You mentioned your Beats Headphones can’t block the screeching out? Classic.

Your only realistic solution is to ask to move to that place where you have the extra leg room, claim you’ve got arthritis or something. Then, once there, pretend to approach the toilet, and on-route, snatch the baby from its mother’s arms, unlock the emergency exit, and launch it out.

Also, be sure your seatbelt is securely fastened and ensure you don’t disturb others around you.

– jez



3 thoughts on “How Do I Stop the Screaming Baby on the Plane? – #markandjez

  • December 4, 2016 at 10:54 pm

    So ruthless XD

  • December 5, 2016 at 8:38 am

    ‘Launch it out the plane’ hahahah

  • January 12, 2017 at 5:12 pm

    Sit behind it and start kicking its chair. Or give the parents a stare down like they know what they’ve done. One of the two usually works for me.

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