An islander provides a list of solutions to get through this bullshit
As news of the coronavirus continues to spread, islanders are urged to stay at home and only venture outside for essentials, such as shopping, prescription medication, daily exercise… and, of course, applauding the stalwart NHS who, without their resilience, love and unwavering dedication to this country’s health and safety, is safe to say we would be absolutely and utterly fucked.
The obtuse goose will be the first to admit that locating Blake Dempsey has been difficult as of late, and this is because he quarantined himself for two months prior to the virus even being a problem, but we did manage to locate him eventually.
“Yeah I haven’t been outside since February, no particular reason, just fancied a break. Also I have plans to take over the island, so that’s been taking up a bit of time…
“Anyway, the journalists from the goose eventually found me ducking and weaving in the cereal isle at Grand Marche and asked for some opinions – at a socially acceptable distance – I made that real fucking clear, because they’ve been taking the piss recently”.
Dempsey claims that there has been friction between himself and the goose as of late, but refuses to reveal why.
“The journalists at the obtuse goose are like Rey from Star Wars when she goes hunting for Luke Skywalker. Like, guys, Luke fucked off to an island in the middle of the ocean of an otherwise uninhabited planet for 30 years, what does that tell you? He might not want to talk to anyone for a bit. Let him grow a beard, throw lightsabers off a cliff and drink milk from giant dinosaur cows for a bit, because we all know he’ll eventually be forced back into the limelight through guilt, boredom and the desperate need for attention”.
“Right, coronavirus, yeah this thing really does take the piss, but at least it comes with some pretty simple instructions, right? I mean, it’s not like trying to assemble a Star Wars Millennium Falcon Lego Kit in under 20 minutes to break the Guinness Book of World Records, is it?”.
Blake claims that he first believed the virus to be a scam created by the government, but then realised listening to the comments section on “Big Dick Memes” Instagram page probably wasn’t the most reliable source to test his paranoia against. He continued, stating that he’s the right man to lead islanders safely out of this pandemic:
“I got lost in Grande Marche when I was like 24 and it took me 3 days and several calls to the emergency services before I was able to find my way out. Turns out the anaesthesia from the dentist I went to before had some nasty side effects and I thought the bakery staff in the Marche were holding me captive. I survived on nothing but Crunchy Nut and dry prunes for 3 days, corona should be a walk in the park”.
“I’ve gone and written a comprehensive survival guide to keep us safe and sane during nature’s holiday (yes, that’s what I’m calling it because nature is THRIVING). Read it and weep my children:
1. Don’t show any sign of physical weakness in Waitrose (specifically the one at Trinity Hill)
“The most annoying thing about this virus is the symptoms. I have severe hayfever and now every time I’m at Waitrose and I sneeze, I’m treated like I’m playing the part of male zombie #6 in The Walking Dead”.
“I guess I’d like the symptoms to be more obvious, more clear cut so that we can blatantly identify who has it and who doesn’t. Why can’t the symptoms be ‘grow and extra arm from your stomach’ or ‘turns skin electric pink’ or even ‘spontaneous combustion into fire’ that would really give the Christians something to write home about”.
“The Waitrose at Trinity in particular seems to be filled with some right bastards, many of which are single mothers who don’t understand the concept of queuing or the term ‘restricted purchase to essential items’ Like, I saw this one woman stockpiling broccoli like it was going out of fashion. Now, unless she’s a primary school teacher creating a reenactment of Lord of The Rings: The Two Towers, where the Ents infiltrate Isengard from the forest, the there is no need to be buying 2o kilograms of broccoli. Additionally, she fucking lost it upon realising she had to buy Waitrose own-brand washing detergent; as I just sat there munching on frozen turkey dinosaurs”.
Blake also stated that this virus is bringing out the true side of self-important middle class parents
“I saw one family brandish a child with a crucifix after it coughed. Just goes to show that when push comes to shove, we’re all incredibly insecure, volatile people who will damn a child to hell for displaying symptoms of hay fever in a supermarket”.
“Also, fighting over toilet roll is a dead joke, it was funny a month ago but now it’s just boring. Fight over something more Jersey, like the last bottle of Chateauneuf du Pap”
2. Avoid that corona cow in St Johns
“Yeah there’s a cow causing mayhem in St John and I’m pretty sure it’s got corona. Also, I swear this is the same cow that was diagnosed with ‘mad cow disease’ back in 2001… could just be doing it for attention.”
“This cow is getting mad heat on social media, people are saying things like:
#imveganbutiwouldeatthiscow #protectmychildrenkillthecow #thiscowlookslikeboris #sirlointhecow
“At one point, this cow was trending in Russia, no idea how news reached that far, but on the bright side, it’s definitely something it can put on its CV”.
The cow is currently residing in St John, with eye-witnesses claiming it’s blocking toilet roll isles in M&S, slowly and viciously emptying canned foods onto the floor while staring dead into the eyes of the shoppers.
“The solution is simple, avoid St John and close all the farms. Don’t let any cows out, especially if the cows have pre-existing respiratory issues”.
3. If you see a gang of teenagers loitering?
“I saw a gang of teenagers– sorry, irresponsible twats, gathering at Milbrook Park yesterday, probably to vape and talk about their new dance careers on TikTok. However, I didn’t call the police or even tell them to get out of the park…
“But, as I watched them, I did learn something valuable, and this knowledge proved to be more effective than hurling abuse at the runs or calling and wasting police time amidst this global madness. I have learnt to mediate, perform yoga with a dog and have undertaken a path to spirituality and self-betterment, which is fab”.
…my most valuable lesson, is that after 10 years of doubt, confusion, therapy sessions and verbal abuse from my mother, I can finally justify the purchase of this 400 fps, 18inch power stroke gas-powered Revengeance crossbow“.
“The feeling was akin to how Captain America felt wielding Mjolnir knowing he was about to unleash hell upon Thanos’ face, unlimited power. Above me, the stars had aligned much like how the scope of my crossbow perfectly aligned with these teenagers’ irresponsible eyeballs”.
“Pffft corona won’t kill me, I’m young and I make TikTok videos, I don’t care about the rest of society”
– Harrison, a 17yr old who vapes and has 87 followers on TikTok
“Yes, Harrison, you’re correct, you may be somewhat immune to the affects of the coronavirus, but let’s see how your privately-educated, ripe, pink skin holds up against these lead-piped crossbow bolts dipped in tetanus for extra ‘spice’.
“Mother screams atop the balcony as I unleash 47 rounds of tetanus-infused bolts into the teenagers’ skull, shattering upon impact causing a tricolour of blood-confetti as I revel in my power and caffeine-infused euphoria as I scream into the moon: FUCK YOU TIKTOK AND FUCK YOU CORONA! I then engage in passionate love-making with Natalie Portman and ask what she really though of Hayden Christensen during their time filming Star Wars”.
“Then I woke up from my nap”.
“…Oh yeah my advice is to politely tell them to remain indoors, don’t be too mean to each other during this difficult times”.
4. Don’t let the lock down get in the way of your pretentious coffees
“The world is in lock down, people are fighting over pasta and I can’t go to the pub, but some of you still manage to get hold of your fucking coffee”.
“Seriously, who’s ordering coffee to their house? Who is it? I keep seeing names on Instagram but you’ve all merged into this horrible bubble of radical consumer culture and I can’t physically separate you guys”.
“Oh? You like coffee? So do I Ellie, so much so that I drink it every morning. Oh, you too? I had no idea– oh wait yes I did because you post pictures of it while wearing that dumbass mask like you’re modelling for the part of female zombie #7 for the upcoming series of The Walking Dead (yes I know I’ve already used that reference but it’s the only zombie film I know ZOMBIE LAND!).
“If there’s one thing that will remain stable after this lock down, it’s not the stock market, or the economy, or taxes, no, it’s that certain islanders between the ages of 24 and 35 will continue to post pictures of their stubby hands wielding coffee cups with the most basic caption describing how “it could be worse, but I’ve got my ice thai vanilla mochacinoa del piero oat milk zero chocolate diet iced rapier caramel americano with sprinkles stroodles and hot pot potato noodles on top”.
“ooooo but blake that’s not an actual coffee, you’ve mixed a chai latte with a Himalayan tea and a coff– FUCK OFF, I KNOW”.
5. Quiz, quiz forever
“What I have learnt is that not only is my general knowledge extremely poor, but someone created a Jersey-based quiz and included a multiple choice question asking:
Which of these is not a parish:
- St Helier
- St Saviour
- St Mary
“Now… what I didn’t take into account was that I forgot St Marys wasn’t brought here by some divine intervention for the sins of our past, I forgot someone actually built this area, called it a Parish and then invited people to live in it. Needless to say I put St Mary as my answer, which is apparently, incorrect. But in all seriousness, Gorey isn’t a parish and Grouville is? Also, terrible name, sounds like ‘groove’, ‘ooze’ and ‘ill’, none of which are good things”.
“To be fair, I love quizzes, even though it’s never been so clear how ill-educated I am and how much I now value knowing how many hearts an octopus has (it’s three, you daft planks)”.
6. Finally, don’t go near St Marys
“The lock down is depressing enough, so why make it worse by going to St Marys? Credit where it’s due, St Marys remains the only parish to get progressively worse throughout time, first the garage that claims it’s a supermarket, and then the government installs the roundabout cobble ritual circle of sacrifice which, by the way is battering the suspension on
my mum’s Fiat 500″.
“Don’t go to St Marys (don’t go anywhere, but specifically, don’t go to St Marys).
“Blake, I live in St Mary, what should I do? – Citizen A, St Mary
We are still awaiting a response from Blake Dempsey.
Blake concluded his survial guide by slapping one of our journalists with a rubber glove, claiming he breached the two metre rule and would escalate to ‘peppering us’ with his aforementioned crossbow. He did, however, sign off with a message of hope and warm wishes:
“On a separate note, I hope you’re all well and keeping safe, Dan and I are bunkered up in our love shack and we’ve cut each other’s hair, cried into each other’s arms and continued to neglect the plants we claim to love dearly”.
“Also don’t watch the Tiger King it’s shit and it’s not about Mufasa which I thought it was:
4/10 – no Mufasa”.