“THE DISTANCE between Gorey and St Ouen is simply unacceptable, an airport must be built”
With summer awkwardly flirting with St Ouen’s beach, echoing my attempts to woo my Mimosa heart-throb, (please call me) islanders who live in the dark corners of Jersey are preparing for another year of travelling.
As a few people are aware, Jersey already has an airport. However, recent reports claim that adding a second airport would truly benefit the struggling people of Gorey.
Blake Dempsey however, has no sympathy for people that live in, what he has branded ‘a selfish and soulless parish’:
“No. Fuck them. They chose to live here, their parents chose to isolate themselves in the parish-equivalent to Guernsey. Instead of building an airport, what we should be doing is negotiating an agreement with France to swap Gorey with St Malo. We could even chuck-in the Castle as a sort of ‘summer package deal.'”
“Have you ever tried getting a bus from Gorey into town? It’s like getting the fucking Nightbus in Harry Potter, except, it takes forever, and it’s nowhere near as fun.”
Dempsey explains how he’s never visited Gorey out of personal interest:
“I’ve only been to Gorey twice in 25 years. Once was because I got lost on the way to Ransoms, the second was when a kid from Hautlieu told me that Gorey Castle was the best place to get a Charizard on Pokemon GO. Both times I left the parish disappointed.”
Islanders have been heard specifically lamenting the multiple obstacles that face them during their perilous journey:
“If I somehow find myself in Gorey (kidnapping being pretty much the only way I’d end up there) chances are that I’m going to be driving for an unnecessarily long time to get literally anywhere.”
“If I go round the outskirts of the island, (St Clements) I face boredom, insufferable boredom. It’s basically an endless road with nowhere to drift my Ford KA. Sure, I’ve got the poisonous tunnel to look forward to, and a few drag races on the avenue, but that’s about it.”
“Option 2 sees me facing some weird St Martin’s-Trinity confusion route, and I can’t actually navigate through that part of the island very well. So many trees and fields.”
People who are not native to Jersey regularly question why islanders complain so much when they have to drive; what they describe as ‘short distances.’ However, Dempsey was at hand yet again to explain:
“People from abroad just don’t understand that 20 minutes of driving in Jersey is the equivalent of driving from Brighton to Romania. In short, if someone asked me to pick them up from St Ouens, and I lived in Gorey, it’d basically be a violation of my human rights. Like, I wouldn’t call up my pal at 4am and be like:
‘Yeah, hi Brian, it’s Blake, listen pal, I know you’re in Australia, but I’m in a taxi queue, in Scunthorpe. Any chance in a lift?”
“It’s like currency differences, or something. Time in Jersey has its own quantum vortex, like the euro and the pound… or something.”
Dempsey has also questioned where the airport would go, considering that Jersey’s original airport runway is terrifyingly small:
“Unless the planes plan to land in the sea, then a runway is unthinkable. I’d much prefer to just ditch Gorey, we could get Jersey’s infamous roadworks squad to physically saw-off Gorey, and let it drift into Guernsey. If anyone starts asking where it is, just blame global warming.”
Since the debate, islanders have come to the conclusion that a poll would be the best way to decide the future of Gorey. After the results were calculated, the winner out of the two options – ‘Building an Airport’, and ‘Leaving Gorey as it is’, was in fact:
‘Saw-Off Gorey’ with a convincing 97%.