Dry January Places Islanders in Massive Moral Dilemma

SWEET MADNESS is happening during January and islanders have already made a solemn vow to remain sober, sources claim

The good men and women of Jersey are subconsciously losing their minds due to the fact that every party ever is happening during January and they’ve already committed to devout alcohol Christianity.

Blake Dempsey has shot himself square in the face by committing to this new buzz-killing cult:

“What have I done… I’m supposed to be going to a coach party this Saturday, followed by mad pre-drinks at big Dave’s before shredding bare shapes to Ariana Grande on Mimosa dance floor next week, swiftly followed by Brian Cox and Louis Theroux’s surprise post-Christmas grime rave taking place inside Fort Regent’s Play Arena with support acts in the shape of Mr Blobby and some absolute twat off Made in Chelsea. My month of madness would have finished with one final blow-out in the form of a colossal orgy taking place slap-bang in the middle of Havana.”

“Oh wait, no. I’ve resigned myself to some bullshit smoothie regime and a diet consisting of nothing but grass and skinny guinea-pig food.”

Many islanders are remaining strong however. Claiming that they are ‘too broke’ or need to ‘chill out’ due to the amount of alcohol they’ve consumed over Christmas, despite being perfectly capable of smashing 5kg lines of coke in Ibiza for 3 months solid during the summer.

Dempsey remains positive despite being slowly crushed inside the jaws of defeat:

“I need to take it easy boys. Wallet’s taken a pounding this Christmas. But I’ll be getting the £158 round in at the Yacht as soon as it hits 5pm on the 1st of February, don’t you worry.”




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