Groove de Lecq – ‘Another Fantastic Excuse to Get Islanders Hammered’

JERSEY SUMMER FESTIVALS have returned to remind islanders to continue getting pissed in different parishes

As of late, islanders have been blessed with events that allow them to get really pissed in fields, parks and main roads.

Last week, Havre des Pas reminded us that streets were built for parties, not cars, as the festival dragged many islanders out from their Mimosa hangovers.

As we ventured out for islander’s opinions on Jersey summer festivals, we stumbled across Blake Dempsey outside Topman, who was willing to spare a few minutes to discuss his love for the mad amount of festivals Jersey has recently thrown about:

“This has been one of the best ever summers. I’d got into the flow of either hitting Mimosa every Saturday, or ‘chilling with the boys’ which usually involved ripping the shit out this group of women we don’t like.”

“Now, all these mini Jersey Live things are going on, and I’m hitting all of them like I’m playing Whack-A-Mole on crack.”

Dempsey claims that Jersey has finally realised that its nightlife is fucking woeful, and has tried to cover it up with hippie festivals at the weekend:

“Don’t think you’re fooling anyone, Jers. I know your game, don’t think you can smash your legs up on stirrups and give birth to baby Jersey Lives to try and make us forget that almost all your fucking clubs have xenophobic shoe policies.”

Dempsey does admit that he hadn’t even heard of Groove de Lecq until last week:

“The hype for this one has been decent, this time it actually feels as if this is something I want to go to, as opposed to aimlessly wondering into it and hoping to find a bacon roll for under £30.”

He went onto describe his negative premonitions for some Jersey festivals:

“I always expect these ‘festivals’ to basically be full of people with those 4-seater prams that begrudgingly carry their failed marriage in a physical manifestation of a child they never wanted.”

“I also think Jersey should re-name their festivals to something other than ‘festivals’, maybe something like ‘family-friendly parties with extortionately-priced food and drink.’ People don’t want to wander in expecting Glastonbury or Coachella vibes and come out thinking this is just the Amazin’ Maze with alcohol and dance music.”

Dempsey also says there isn’t enough clarification on who these festivals are actually for. Claiming that there needs to be a distinct separation between the midday alcohol psychos and families:

“What families don’t seem to understand is that these ‘festivals’ act as big fuck-off lamps to moths with alcohol dependencies. What this means is that all the psychos from St Clements and what’s left of the sewer people in St Ouen, will stampede into this festival like horny elephants with self-esteem issues.”

“The families seem to have this idea in their head that bringing their children to every fucking festival is a phenomenal idea. Sure, there’s face-painting and maybe some candy-floss, but is it worth them accidentally running into the Reggae-Reggae Jumbo Mumbo Gumbo Dance Bitch Tent Orgy Stage where they’ll be thrown on top of some guy called Rozzer’s shoulders and consequently end up in the lost and found bin.”

“The short answer, is fuck no Sally. Now go and take your kids to the fucking Zoo.”

Dempsey was able to give some advice on how best to conquer this issue.

“Take a leaf out of Trump’s book and build a wall around the kiddy area. Too many times have I stumbled into the play-barn-farm swing-set area because all the colours look great when I’m off my tits on Red Bull and pale ale.”

“You just need to hide this shit from people like me, I’d much rather piss-around in the farm barn than spend another minute in the queue for the Godzilla-sized fucking paella tent.”

“Or, better yet, don’t have kids, save the planet.”

Dempsey stresses that he doesn’t want to discourage people from going to Jersey’s summer festivals, he simply wants them to buy some common sense and think before they do more stupid shit:

“Basically, if a festival has the word ‘dance’ or, ‘tent’, or even worse, ‘dance tent’ in it, keep your kids the fuck-away from it. You might be safe with ‘live local band/singer’ unless they’re into mosh pits or loud noises.”

Dempsey ended by stating he was ‘dirt keen’ on the festival, and hopes others will join him in his ventures:

“I for one can’t wait for this weekend. Fuck the feds, me and the boys are going to smash as much candy-floss and ale as we can, and then proceed to throw-up in the children’s play area.”