“I Was Not Prepared” Islander Laments April, St Brelades, and the Sun

AN ISLANDER has admitted he was not prepared for such ‘extreme’ weather in April

The weekend was far too hot.

Islanders have been pining for summer’s lanky arms to embrace and smother them in the hope of getting a sweet tan on the painfully overcrowded beach of St Brelade. Though, many people were left stunned by the weather report on Saturday morning, with many rightfully questioning 103’s claim of 20 degrees, as we’ve been betrayed so many times before.

However, to the shock of the islanders, the sun continued to shine past 11am, and many who opted to go shopping on King Street knew that they’d made a terrible decision. Gemma Reese was caught up in this hailstorm of weather-ambiguity, and felt the need to address her life-shattering issue:

“… Is this beach weather? I think… this is beach weather… SHIT.

“Do I still have that towel from last summer in my car? How much is sun cream? Do I need it? Where are my keys? Why am I in jeans? What if the avenue is packed- what if everyone else is flooding to Brelades while I’m stuck outside Topshop? Do I change? Will I fit into my bikini? Can I wear it? FUCK. I need to ring the galdem (close female friends), I need confirmation of beach weather.”

Gemma swiftly darted back to Sandstreet Car Park in the hope lacing it onto the avenue in search of bitches and beaches.

As many other islanders bolted from St Helier to St Brelade/St Ouen, we noticed a man being cradled by death in the corner of Royal Square. We rushed over to see if we could aid him, it was none other than Blake Dempsey, and his condition was bad:

I was betrayed. 103 assured me that it would not be this warm, they lied to me, they lied.”

“It all started with a simple game of frisbee with some pals. I had decided to wear my new super-tight vest – as I’d been actively shielding my body from people for 6 months so that when the time came to shed my skin in the molten sun like the lizard I am, everyone would be like:

‘Woah, Blake’s shredded.

“But, it came with a price.

“I thought my Celtic skin would be able to reflect the harmful UV rays, like tinfoil, or my natural ability to repel women. But my skin was as useful at reflecting UV rays as Guernsey is at tourism.”

“So, I ended up crawling into town, looking for sun cream, but Boots refused me service as they don’t serve the walking dead.”

Dempsey went onto explain how he was able to crawl into Royal Square with the help of the pigeons. Though, he was brutally mauled after he attempted to design himself a fan out of their feathers.

Both Gemma and Blake suffered at the hands of Jersey’s relentless sun, with Blake nearing death via the hordes of pigeon, and reports claiming that Gemma suffered a mental breakdown after being unable to select an appropriate filter to highlight how ‘lit’ St Brelade’s beach looked.

April has given islanders a glimpse of what’s to come as it does every year. Though, if history is anything to go by, we better make the most of April and May.

Because like hell will summer last as long as it’s supposed to on this fucking island.