Work this week is not pointless, and everyone must be on high alert, reports claim
Mr Heartless Bastard firmly believes that this week is the most important for every company in the world ever, and no one must be ‘chill.’
“Everyone knows that the next 3 days of this week are the most important ever and so much work must be done, so much work, so much. Everything ever. So much work.”
“Obviously it would be ridiculous to allow our minions to have the rest of the week off. It is imperative that we remind people that we own their lives and their Netflix.”
Mr Heartless Bastard’s approach to Christmas work ethic rivals Satan himself.
“If people think they can come in and do no work, they’re sorely mistaken. I wasn’t opening presents or eating food on Christmas day. I spent the entire day re-programming Excel to make it even more ball-ache to use than it already is, made everyone’s mouse slower, jammed the printer with ham, and I’ve taken up sexism for the rest of the week. Also, the computers have been restarted and updated, so no bullshit updates will get in the way of serious work.”
Despite Heartless Bastard’s work ethic, islanders are in strong spirits, as they have been told they may come in to work wearing more casual clothing. Blake Dempsey speaks out for his company.
“I don’t see what all the fuss is about. I am ecstatic, I’m wearing my brand new post-Christmas jumper and some incredibly posh shoes. I’m spending far more time admiring my winter getup on Snapchat when really I should be doing some more reports that don’t matter.
“I think it’s a great idea to be forced to work during this family-orientated, genuinely happy time of the year. Phenomenal work from the company, utterly sensational.
I fucking love working here.”